#bookreview: The Village Effect by Susan Pinker

I'm a huge fan of The Diane Rehm Show which airs weekdays on WUNC from 10-12. Ms. Rehm always has the best guests talking about topics that I'm interested in and the show on community in August  was no exception. That day one of her guests was author Susan Pinker. Pinker's new book is called The Village Effect: How Face-To-Face Contact Can Make Us Healthier, Happier, and Smarter. Totally up my community-minded alley, right? Here's my review.

In short, I love this book. That's (almost) all you need to know. Seriously. But if you must know more about the why and determine whether or not you must read this book (yes), keep reading.

Introverts might not like this book. In The Village Effect Pinker is essentially saying your connection with others is what determines health and happiness. And not just your connection with your family, although that's part of it. Your connection to the broader world including family but also friends, co-workers, neighbors, other church members, book club buddies, fellow gym rats, etc. Other people are not "hell" but vital ingredients for a happy, healthy life.

The Village Effect looks at moms relationship with babies, teens and screen time, charming swindlers, sufferers from chronic disease and others as she delves into how the inter-personal contact that we have influences us. Pinker explores why dining with friends feels good to us (provided they are the “right” friends!), how pregnancy can actually be contagious, why kangaroo care is so good for mom and baby and what is about men dying more frequently after the death of their wife than women do after their husband dies.

Pinker closes this must-read by looking at how we can create the village effect in our own lives. Some of that list that I think are the most pertinent for moms, especially new moms, are: “create a village of diverse relationships” and “adjust the ratio of face-to-face to screen communication, according to your temperament, just as you adjust how much and what you eat according to your appetite”. I say “pertinent” because new moms are still coming to terms with our changing identity. So “diverse relationships” and “face-to-face time" take on new meanings and I think, increased importance. Being a new mom can be very isolating. If you were hesitant before about joining a group or making new mom friends, Pinker’s book shows us just how important it is for us to be with other people.

Speaking of face-to-face time, Toddler Group starts Saturday January 3. Join a new community (along with your toddler!) and a small group of other moms for 6 sessions as we sort out toddlering together, with plenty of resources, support, community and self-care along the way. 

{new post} #bookreview _Survivor Moms_

This Wednesday 10.29, I am hosting a Twitter Chat for #survivormoms from 8-9 pm EST. I'm a little nervous since it's my first one (will anyone show up?!) but I feel compelled to do it because not only is October domestic violence awareness month (DVAM) but because while DV in general has been so much in the news, how DV and sexual abuse affect childbearing women in pregnancy, childbirth and the postpartum period is not. So, a Twitter Chat and a book review of the landmark book, Survivor Moms by Mickey Sperlich and Julia Seng seems to be in order!

From what I have seen online and heard anecdotally, the survivor response to Survivor Moms is mixed,  Some survivors reading it have shared how triggering it was for them.  And I completely hear that. Sperlich and Seng’s work is very through. As a tool for professionals who deal with survivors, however, Survivor Moms is indispensable. {I'll share a bit about why below.} And if you are a survivor looking to understand a bit more about how your past abuse will affect you in pregnancy, childbirth and the postpartum period as a new mom, check out this book. There is literally nothing else like it. Just be aware that it may be triggering for you.

Survivor Moms begins at the beginning: before the survivor is even a mom. The authors look at the range of affects that trauma can have on the woman in adulthood (PTSD, substance abuse issues, disordered eating, etc.) leading up to pregnancy. The book ends with hope and tools for healing setting the stage of recovery as a “lifelong process” (208). That phrase along with many interspersed in this book really underscore the many valuable messages in this book which often come from primary sources, which makes the book all the more powerful. Recovery was a "lifelong process" is hard to accept, for many survivor moms. Survivor moms that I work with often speak of being angry or frustrated because they have "done the work" to put the abuse behind them, only to be re-triggered by their pregnancy, childbirth or breastfeeding. 

Survivor Moms is extremely well researched and offer up the voices of many survivors as testimonials to that research. Those stories are what truly make this book both accessible and unique. I appreciate that the book includes a broader look at sexual abuse in general and doesn't  doesn’t limit it’s scope to childhood. (Penny Simkin & Phyllis' Klaus fantastic book, When Survivors Give Birth, focuses exclusively on childhood sexual abuse, for example). 

What is missing in my mind, though, in Survivor Moms is the linkage to domestic violence or intimate partner violence. Not only would that be helpful for survivors to understand but for professionals as well. Sexual assault doesn’t happen in a vacuum;  it is part of the power and control dynamics of intimate partner violence.  Sexual abuse is planned and purposeful, unless it is perpetuated by a stranger. (Which is more rare). Threats, intimidation, scare tactics like harming beloved pets or siblings are hallmark indicators of intimate partner violence.  They are classic tools of control used by an abuser.  “Even” if those were the only tools used in a “relationship”, educators and advocates would still qualify that relationship as abusive. These scary pieces are often part of the survivor stories in Survivor Moms. Linking sexual abuse to the bigger picture of intimate partner violence feels essential.

That said, I think Survivor Moms is a hugely positive step toward helping educate the public, and survivors themselves, about the prevalence of sexual abuse and its impact on women and mothers.

Have a suggestion for November's book review? Leave me a comment below. Thanks for reading.

#bookreview: #Pregnancy, #Childbirth and the Newborn

Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn by Penny Simkin et al is the book that should take over from the absolutely horrible _What to Expect When You’re Expecting_as a pregnant mom-to-be’s go-to resource for everything related to her body, baby and postpartum period! It is The Book that I recommend to expecting parents for just that reason.

Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn offers a thoughtful, non-scary but honest guide for expecting women. It’s another one of these compendium Penny Simkin books which really offers the reader a boatload of bang for her buck in terms of quality of information, reassurance and resources as well as practical tips. 

Books in this genre can always be counted on to talk about the importance of a birth doula but not as many include conversations about postpartum doulas and how they can help the new mom during this crucial time. But in Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn is great advice on both birth and postpartum doulas which is especially helpful for survivor moms who might not be aware of how great a role both of these doulas can play in helping mom feel good not only about her childbirth experience but also support her during the challenging postpartum period. 

One of my favorite aspects of Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn is how inclusive it is. The information is offered in a matter of fact, nonjudgmental way which would be very reassuring to the stressed and already anxious mom-to-be, especially as survivor moms might be. For example, we all know how important breast-feeding is but some new moms, including survivor moms, cannot or choose not to breastfeed. There is an honest conversation about formula vs. breastmilk which contains good facts and non-judgy language. I don’t think we see enough of this in most books of this kind. But it is so important! Not only so new moms feel the best about their choices that they can but also so they can get the resources that they need without feeling guilty or inadequate.

Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn is the best, most through resource that I have found for expecting families. The detailed information in each chapter will not only be of help to the “average” pregnant family but also to the survivor mom who might need a little more knowledge in terms of understanding what to expect and also what steps she can take to feel more in control and confident through pregnancy, childbirth and the postpartum period.

{new post} #bookreview : The #Doula Book

I am coming to The Doula Book recently via my When Survivors Give Birth Educator training. When I was pregnant, I was very sure that I wanted a birth doula, especially later on so it didn’t occur to me to seek out a book to help me make this decision. But after reading it, I’m so glad that I did find it because it is just a terrific resource for a first time pregnant woman and her partner as they navigate the journey of education and decisions toward their childbirth experience. The Doula Book examines all facets of what it is like to have a trained labor companion, or birth doula, accompany a woman and her family during childbirth as well as the why’s and how’s about  this decision. 

The authors of The Doula Book, two medical doctors and a family therapist, look at the issue of a doula from all possible angles including medical and emotional reasons why a pregnant woman might look to support from a doula. I think this is one of the strongest aspects of the book. It feels like there are a lot of books that look at what is happening with the woman, physically, over the course of her pregnancy but not as many that focus on the whole person, as this book does.

As an example, the book talks about doula “basics” that one might expect (a doula might suggest different positions for the laboring woman, experienced doulas are respected by medical personnel, etc.) but beyond the practicality, there is as strong an emphasis on the emotional support that the doula provides.  And this piece is especially important for women who are survivors to be aware of.

All women are wary of labor and many do fear it but survivors have an entirely different set of challenges when it comes to childbirth. The Doula Book does an excellent job of talking about, in a more generalized way without mentioning survivors, how triggers (“excretions, sounds, sights, smells, cries or screams may trigger old memories of hospitalization or elicit other unexpected reactions.” 47) can come up in childbirth and why a doula is such an important person to have on hand to be there for the laboring woman. Later on in the chapter called “Reducing Discomfort, Pain and Anxiety”, the authors talk about reducing stress in labor and the flight / fight response. The connection is made back to the doula whose purpose is to create that cocoon of support and care that laboring women need in order to feel protected and informed enough to birth their baby. By telling us “Letting the woman say what she wants is the cornerstone of doula care. ” (69), the reader can see why this is so important in labor, especially for the survivor.

The Doula Book is a rich resource for the evidence behind using a doula in childbirth. For those science-y, non believers, there is plenty of research in the book that talks about the relationship between satisfaction with the childbirth experience; the numbers in studies that looked at the relationship between having a birth doula and the prevalence of sections and much more. But for the pregnant woman who might need to hear more about why the emotional support that a doula is so crucial, The Doula Book will become her go-to guide.

And if you are local pregnant woman looking for more emotional support, remember my support group: 2nd Thursday of each month (this Thursday!) from 6:30-8:30 pm at Outside The Mom Box offices, 1200 Broad Street Suite 104 in Durham.