Wanted: Folks Who Want to Make Better Decisions

I posted about this earlier this week on Facebook. What? You're not over there? Come on! Those peeps get all the first hand details, always...

Long before I was a trauma educator, before I even started working with survivors, I was a life coach who worked with individual clients and offered personal growth workshops. I designed a really cool values discovery tool about 15 years ago. In the years since, I have tweaked and used in different ways with clients and in support groups. In 2007, I offered an ebook with this tool. I still get a lot of requests for coaching. So earlier this year I decided to update and re-launch my values discovery tool. This summer, I am doing it! So now, I'm looking for testers for my newly updated personal values discovery book. If you are interested in being a tester, I ask that you read this entire post and follow directions at the bottom. Thanks!

This tool is ideal for people who:

• feel overwhelmed by choices;
• tend to doubt their decisions or second guess themselves;
• don’t do self-care well or for whom the idea of self-care feels foreign;
• struggle with feeling satisfied by their life;
• have a hard time prioritizing themselves.

If all of this seems like I'm reading your mind, you are an ideal tester!

If when reading the above you feel hesitant, like some of it applies or maybe it applies under certain circumstances, you are likely not an ideal tester. If none of this feels applicable, you are definitely not an ideal tester. You are the expert of you so I defer to you on whether or not you are an ideal tester. And, I really need folks who are ideal testers. And if you aren't sure, read the following bit:

This tool is not for you if you...

• are clear in your dreams/goals;
• make decisions easily and seldom doubt your choice;
• engage regularly in self-care;
• generally feel happy, satisfied and successful in your life

Here's a few more details:

Question #1: What is this book about?

The book is composed of a self-guided tool to help you discover your 5 personal values. It will also have a few values "success stories" from women who have been using their values (as discovered by their work with me, using this tool). 

Question #2: What are values?

I define values as "a unique way of being or believing that you hold personally significant," 

Question #3: What do values do?

Values help us:

• make better decisions;
• care for ourselves better;
• respect ourselves as individuals worthy of love, attention and care.

You're here! Okay, please read the last few details, to learn more about what you can expect as a tester and what I need from you...

What you get from me:

1. A PDF format (on Monday 7/24) that will contain:
   1. 5 different values discovery activities. They are self-directed but you can do any of them with a partner if you wish.
   2. Sample list of values.
   3. A blank page for the personal values you discover.
   4. Feedback forms; 1 per values activity + 1 final one.

What I need from you:

1. You will send back to me your feedback forms, your page with your 4-5 values and at least 2 of the values discovery activities so I can see your thinking. These can be copied pages; you don’t have to send me back the original. I need back your documents back by end of day Monday September 4. They can be scanned and emailed to me or postal mailed. Whatever is easier for you.
2. Confidentiality. You cannot share/sell/trade/give away any section of the PDF. It's my work. You can discuss what you're doing on the Facebook page.

What you need to know:

1. Plan on anywhere from 15-45 minutes per discovery.

2. You commit to doing 1 discovery per week. 

3. You will get your PDF packet around July 24 and you have until September 1 to do them. That’s 6 weeks for 5 discoveries so you have an extra week if you need it.

4. You cannot copy/share/sell, etc. any part of the tester PDF…blank or completed. Again, it’s proprietary information that I developed. 

5. Please know that I can't accept everyone as a tester, likely no more than 8-12 people. 

6. If you do complete everything by September 1 and return to me as requested, I will give you a coupon code that you can share with anyone (or use yourself!) for 25% off the final product. 

7. When you return your materials to me, you are giving me permission to use your language/writing/value. Your name will not be linked to your words, value, writing, language. To be clear: I will NOT use your name in any way.

If this all sounds interesting to you, please click here to complete the interest form. I will then follow up via email. Thank you so much for your interest!

Entry is closed at this time.

One last thing- the deadline to submit the above form is Wednesday July 19, 5:00 pm. EST.

8 Unique Ways to Up Your Self-Care Scene

Oh, self-care. That frequently elusive path to relaxation and happiness, you are the bane of so many. 

And yet...

We need you! You're crucial for our healing, de-stressing and sense of self-worth.

So here, dear reader, are eight unique ways you can boost your self-care in the easiest, least anxiety-inducing ways possible. No touching even, I promise! 

1) Be an urban explorer. Go with a friend if you aren't comfortable discovering a new place. The important thing is to go somewhere new. Get in the car and head to somewhere unusual in your own town. Or hop off the bus at the stop two before yours.

2) Splurge on citrus. Buy a few lemons, Cara Cara oranges, a blood orange maybe, and at least one grapefruit, etc. Wash and cut into slices. Trim the rind and arrange on a favorite plate, platter. Inhale your citrus sunset. Citrus improves our mood and is great for our immune system too.

3) Blow bubbles. Bubble wands were 99 cents at Michael's a few months ago. I bought 12. Do you remember how satisfying it was to blow bubbles or twirl around with a bubble wand in your hand? No? Then you really need this tip.

4) Deep breathes. Breathe in to the count of 1, 2, 3 and then breathe out to the same: 1, 2, 3. Repeat 4x. Then tell people about it on your social media and look like a mindfulness CHAMP.

5) Go to bed early. I mean, early. If you normally shut the lights out by 10:00, do it at 9:30. Whatever your usual time is (please tell me you have a usual time), make it 30 minutes earlier. Good sleep can right many wrongs.

6) Wrap yourself in a (weighted) blanket. Great for folks who have anxiety or sleep challenges. Here's a little bit about them from a small business. Weighted blankets can be expensive but it's possible to find people that rent the ones they make as a "try before you buy" and also gently used ones. Leave a comment if you need help finding one.

7) Go to a field, the Eno, your backyard...somewhere and pick wildflowers. Even dandelions count. Dandelions are only a weed if you think they are. {My four year old doesn't think of them as a weed.) Bring home and gather in a small vase. Flowers of any kind are cheery and cheering.

8) De-clutter. Grab a grocery style paper bag. Go around the house and fill it with anything that feels like clutter. For me that means not beautiful or functional. Extra stuff pulls energy away from what's important like your healing or self-care. When you're done put the bag in the car and drop it off at TROSA.

Got a unique tip? Share it below. Thanks for reading!

How Words Hurt Kids: What Happens When Slang Replaces Truth

Recently, I read something on Facebook that made me wince...

An aunt was helping her young niece in the shower. She reminded her to wash the whole body, including her vagina*. The niece responded, "where's my vagina?". The aunt pointed, asking "what do you call that?". The niece, following her gesture, said, "my lady parts."

Haha! We can all laugh about that, right?

But should we?

There are many reasons parents choose not to use the real names of body parts. Discussing sex or basic reproductive functions can feel daunting. Religion may also influence parenting choices. And no matter how we identify or what our current values are, we can never quite get away from how our parents raised us. Messages we learned as kids about the body influences our decisions today. "Boobs", "lady parts" and "hoo-hah" are pretend, slang. At some point, though, reality catches up with pretend and the effects are broader than you'd think.

While sometimes funny in the moment, slang is dangerous for kids.

Incorrect language can make kids look and feel stupid. Some of their peers know something that they don't. Those kids know what a vagina is and likely what it does. Knowledge is power; it's social cache, on and off the playground. Not being in the know can lead to feelings of insecurity and fear. These are not the feelings we want to cultivate, especially if we want to keep kids safe. Kids who are confident in their knowledge and trust their parents to protect and inform them are harder to coerce or groom.

Using slang also secretizes something. Slang is code that not everyone knows. "That's excluding!" my four year old would say. She's right. Secrets involve excluding some information from other people. She knows excluding doesn't feel good or safe. But she doesn't know that secrets shrinks people. Not only uncomfortable, a secret makes people smaller, and feel less capable than they are. Kids are especially susceptible to the dangers of secrets. They lack the agency of adults and often can't understand the potential impact behind secret keeping. Nothing about kids' bodies should be made secret. Privacy or "private areas" okay; secrets are not.

Ignorance and smallness are big deals but there's more. Slang reduces the body into something, less than, something not deserving of respect. If a girl uses the same slang ("boobs") that she sees someone else use to catcall or mock, she will associate her body with something less than.

Why give the body respect if we don't even use the correct names to describe it?

As a commodity, a thing, a woman's body is more easy to control. This is even more true of black women whose bodies are often fetishized in ways that white women's bodies are not.  Control looks like chopped parts in advertising. It looks like a multi-billion industry (and public health crisis) built on violence against women. It sounds like pregnant women being called "hosts" and presents as husbands being able to sue their wives for an abortion. Everyone loses when the female body is controlled and reduced.

"But my kiddo is in Kindergarten, surely this isn't an issue for her?"

Think again.

"More than half of girls and one-third of boys as young as 6 to 8 think their ideal weight is thinner than their current size,". That's a huge percentage of kids in the early years of their schooling. These kids, little children, worry about their weight. Why?

Because even at 6, kids can recognize what a "desirable" body looks like.  And when these kids look in their own mirror, they don't see it.

This isn't middle school; these kids are 1st and 2nd graders.

Kids, in many ways, become more vulnerable as they get older. They may not be as easy to trick but they are more aware of what the world expects them to know and how they "should" be (thin) or behave (diet). (Poor children, children of color or kids suffering from trauma often have even more challenges.) We need kids, especially girls, to feel self-confident and hang onto that confidence. Body image is not something kids are born with; it is learned. We must help kids love and appreciate their bodies. 

Here are four things you can do:

1) Use the right language to describe body parts...yours and theirs. Picking and choosing the correct body parts to use ("vulva" but not "breasts") is confusing. Even if it feels uncomfortable, use these correct words.

2) Normalize conversations around sexuality with kids. When they ask, tell them. Sex is nothing to hide away or feel shamed about. When you talk openly, kids know to go to you, not porn or other kids, for information.

3) Watch your language about your own body. Kids take cues from parents modeling when they are newborns. Negative self-talk including your weight are no exception. 

3) Help kids know what their body is valued for. It's not for cuteness or hotness but for strength, capability, doing good in the world. Telling them that you noticed their strong legs when they were swimming. Or how hard they were working to pass the ball to a teammate. Allow kids to see that you notice their efforts also helps develop a growth mindset.

Slang hurts everyone. But it can immobilize kids. Slang keeps kids small and stupid while also perpetuating the confusing Catch-22 of both disposability and idealization of certain female bodies.

Use the right language. Start now. Do it today.

*for this story, I am going to use the language that the aunt used, not the correct terms.