If you're a survivor...

Abuse changes your life.

You have the power to change it even more.

Silence keeps secrets and shame locked up. Silence also adds stress and anxiety. I'm a sexual abuse survivor too so I get it. But I also know that talking about sexual abuse opens rusty locks and breaks down shame. When we tell our story, we take back the power and control that was taken from us. In doing so, we choose our own brave ending. But talking is the first part. 

That's what happens in the weekly, free peer support group for sexual abuse survivors. We meet every Tuesday at Dress for Success Triangle in Durham from 6:30-8:30 pm. The group is drop-in so you don't need to reserve a place in advance or call-ahead. Come if you can. Leave early if you need to. Lap babies are welcome and the group is LGBTQ+ affirmative. No judgment here, just some gentle acceptance from women who get you.

And that's the gift of a community who gets you.

Because not everyone will. But by understanding how and why the effects of past abuse can linger for a lifetime, you can not only help yourself but also improve your quality of life. We do that in this group. The emphasis is on who you are and what feels most important to you. We don't talk diagnosis or mental health and no one is an expert. You're the expert of you. That's the peer support difference. You won't find that anywhere else.

Come check us out. 

A Simple Way To Focus On The Future

You aren't the same. I'm not either. And neither is the person who hasn't said out loud that they was abused. None of us will ever be the same. That's okay.

Trauma changes us. And while we can't change the past, we can change what we do today. And tomorrow. And the next day. That's a simple way to focus on the future: look in that direction.

Concentrate on that. 

Don't look back. You're not going there.

8 Unique Ways to Up Your Self-Care Scene

Oh, self-care. That frequently elusive path to relaxation and happiness, you are the bane of so many. 

And yet...

We need you! You're crucial for our healing, de-stressing and sense of self-worth.

So here, dear reader, are eight unique ways you can boost your self-care in the easiest, least anxiety-inducing ways possible. No touching even, I promise! 

1) Be an urban explorer. Go with a friend if you aren't comfortable discovering a new place. The important thing is to go somewhere new. Get in the car and head to somewhere unusual in your own town. Or hop off the bus at the stop two before yours.

2) Splurge on citrus. Buy a few lemons, Cara Cara oranges, a blood orange maybe, and at least one grapefruit, etc. Wash and cut into slices. Trim the rind and arrange on a favorite plate, platter. Inhale your citrus sunset. Citrus improves our mood and is great for our immune system too.

3) Blow bubbles. Bubble wands were 99 cents at Michael's a few months ago. I bought 12. Do you remember how satisfying it was to blow bubbles or twirl around with a bubble wand in your hand? No? Then you really need this tip.

4) Deep breathes. Breathe in to the count of 1, 2, 3 and then breathe out to the same: 1, 2, 3. Repeat 4x. Then tell people about it on your social media and look like a mindfulness CHAMP.

5) Go to bed early. I mean, early. If you normally shut the lights out by 10:00, do it at 9:30. Whatever your usual time is (please tell me you have a usual time), make it 30 minutes earlier. Good sleep can right many wrongs.

6) Wrap yourself in a (weighted) blanket. Great for folks who have anxiety or sleep challenges. Here's a little bit about them from a small business. Weighted blankets can be expensive but it's possible to find people that rent the ones they make as a "try before you buy" and also gently used ones. Leave a comment if you need help finding one.

7) Go to a field, the Eno, your backyard...somewhere and pick wildflowers. Even dandelions count. Dandelions are only a weed if you think they are. {My four year old doesn't think of them as a weed.) Bring home and gather in a small vase. Flowers of any kind are cheery and cheering.

8) De-clutter. Grab a grocery style paper bag. Go around the house and fill it with anything that feels like clutter. For me that means not beautiful or functional. Extra stuff pulls energy away from what's important like your healing or self-care. When you're done put the bag in the car and drop it off at TROSA.

Got a unique tip? Share it below. Thanks for reading!

Behind The Scenes: "Do I Make a Report?"

Email from Katherine:

"I recently learned that Kentucky has no statue of limitations for sexual abuse cases. My cousin abused me in Kentucky. I'm now wondering if I should report my abuse. I was always told I shouldn't because it didn't matter. My cousin has a partner and family now.  I am wondering if my reporting would save their lives or ruin them."

Oooof, that's a really hard decision, Katherine. I'm thinking of a few things that would help *me* make such a decision.

1) Abuse that happened by an older kid is sometimes seen very differently by them. Did you ever confront your cousin about abusing you? If so, how did they respond? Someone's willingness to admit that they hurt someone can help us figure out if they're an abuser or someone who made a bad choice once.

2) I try to look at someone's behavior since the incident of the abuse. I seek out other relationship red flags besides physical or sexual abuse. How do they treat the other people in their life, especially women? I look for respect, equal partnerships. What about other areas of their life: work, school, friendships? Click here to view my slides on Relationship Red Flags for warning signs of potentially abusive behavior.

3) I'm struck by your sentence of "always being told I shouldn't because it doesn't matter," "Should" seldom steers us in the right direction. This is a time for you to listen to you. What does your gut instinct tell you about reporting? When you think about reporting him...does it seem like the "right" thing to do? Or does it feel like a "should"?

It's impossible to tell if someone's life may be ruined (and how do we define that anyway?) but your relationship with these folks will be perpetually changed. Consider whether that matters to you, Katherine. Good luck!

~~~

Reader, you can learn more about statutes of limitations for NC or any state in the US by clicking here. 

Anyone can also click here to ask a question. It will be answered here on the blog, changing any revealing details to protect your confidentiality. And this form goes only to me.