What are you carrying?

And I don't mean diapers and Cheddar Rockets. I'm talking about your emotional baggage. 

I talked to a group of pregnant women and their partners on Tuesday morning at Women's Health Alliance in Durham about expectations and worries postpartum. Like the rest of us, most had done a really good job of taking care of the essentials before the baby arrives: getting the car seat installed, setting up a crib or co-sleeper, taking care of the responsibilities of work before we take our leave, etc. What was missing, for them, is preparation for the essentials that come after the baby arrives. Sure, we or friends have set up a meal "service" like Take Them A Meal but what about other essentials? Essentials like support from other new moms, permission to let the housework slide, time to take deep breathes, heal and be present with the emotions that we are experiencing. 

Pregnant or not, as women, we've been conditioned to believe that we can do it all and that we should do it all. And that's our first mistake. This impossible promise, though, is much more realistic (or feels that way) when we don't have a child in the picture. As soon as the baby arrives, however, the gig is up. It quickly becomes clear that the social expectation of having it all/being it all/doing it all is not only unrealistic but also tightly packed with more shame, guilt and anxiety than we had ever imagined when we'd first stepped into those tight shoes. But once we're got them on, they're hard to just kick off.

In order to live with peace, be present with our children, sleep soundly at night, stay in good health and leave work behind when we shut down our computer, we must get rid of off these awful shoes. No matter how hard we try, they will never really fit us. And we are not the problem! They don't fit any woman. We need to shrug off what's not working because it's costing us a lot. Even as I type these words, I know how hard this is for me. Unless I get the pinwheel of death, for example, I never actually shut down my computer. I'm not alone on this one. It saves me time to keep the computer on, to just open it and begin to type. Doesn't it? And, is that short-term timesaver "enough" to balance what I'm giving up long-term?

To start casting off what's not working, we need to look carefully at (state aloud, document, get an accountability partner, etc.) what our essentials actually are. And that's a small, tight list! Once we know that, then we can start eliminating some of the emotional baggage of the "stuff" that we carry with us that prevents us from spending time on those essentials. There are additional costs associated with carrying emotional baggage which doesn't serve us. Intangibles like energy, creativity, money, focus. 

We will talk about some of this in Toddler Group because the baggage that we carry also affects our relationships with our toddler, our partner of course, and other important people in our lives. When you're overwhelmed and feeling guilty, how do you think you'd deal with our impetuous toddler? Yeah, kind of like that.

What can you stop carrying?

{new post} #newmoms group: understanding #postpartum #moods

The second Saturday of each month is the free Outside The Mom Box support group for new moms with babies under 1 year. Each session starts with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes for Q&A, then close. For November, we had local therapist and mom, Aimee Vandemark talk with us about understanding our postpartum moods. Here are a few noteworthy snippets from that conversation:

Aimee started our conversation off by sharing a story of an experience she had with her own young children. She asked herself in that moment and to us on Saturday to consider, "what does it mean to have another being call us "mom"?". That question segued into a conversation on how personal identity shifts for us during the postpartum period. Our identity as a woman shifts so much as soon as we become a mother. New moods, feelings or other different emotions can become a new norm. But when should we pay attention to those new feelings and when can we accept and move on?

What does postpartum depression look like? There are lots of different emotions or feelings that go into the mix (overwhelm, guilty, confusion, irritation, anger, sadness, numbness, etc.), Aimee told us. One mom commented, "that felt like Tuesday!". I know the feeling! So how do we know if we should be concerned? Aimee said that the intensity and duration of those feelings is really crucial to pay attention to. Thinking about duration: were they happening on Tuesday or for the past two weeks? And when examining intensity, it's important to consider how those feelings are affecting your life: are you able to get through the day? And perhaps find that things are better the next day? Or do you find yourself so overwhelmed that even basic daily tasks feel impossible? 

One of our new moms who has struggled with depression in the past shared that our partners can serve as a good reality check for our emotional health. What a good point! Our partners are the people who know us best in the world. If they are noticing that we are different or that our behavior seems problematic or concerning, then that is absolutely something worth pay attention to. 

In addition to awareness from our partners, Aimee said that our own self-awareness is a really important skill to develop. And that may be fine-tuning, instead, if it's been a while since we've been in touch with how we're feeling about things. Issues like anxiety, depression, sadness don't go away in pregnancy or even after we have our child/children. It's important for our emotional health as well as the health of our entire family that we are self-aware.

With self-awareness, ideally, goes action. So if we are feeling overwhelmed by some of the mood swings that we have going on during the postpartum period, or otherwise, we need to reach out for help and support. Help and support can include: self-care, groups like this new moms group, time talking to a professional like Aimee, connecting with other new moms or even adjustments to schedule, parenting responsibilities. And self-compassion.

I often focus on self-care as an important piece for new moms to practice getting into the habit of but Aimee reminded us that self-compassion is just as important. Self-compassion is just what it sounds like: letting ourselves off the hook sometimes. Talk ourselves the way that we would talk to our child, to at minimum a stranger. Compassion for ourselves can look as "simple" as putting away the parenting books that are causing anxiety, talking yourself out of a negative "tape" that's playing in your mind, or reaching out to someone who has been a supporter of you, to give you a reality check.

Questions? Comments? Share them by visiting my contact page or leaving your thoughts below.

For more information on postpartum mood disorders, please visit my page on mothering and mental health. Thank you for reading! On the calendar for next month: travel with baby! Join us on Saturday December 13 from 2-4 pm.

{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} 13 #stress busters for #newmoms

Release your inner hula-hooper!

Okay, moms, you may not be pregnant any more but it's still absolutely essential that you practice good self-care. Perhaps even more important than before because now you have an entire person depending on your good health, both emotional and physical. Below are 13 stress busters especially designed for you new moms.

1. Stay hydrated. Obviously essential when you’re breast-feeding but so important for everyone else. If we have issues with things like vaginal dryness, for example, hydration can be linked to that. Ditto for headaches and fatigue. Got either of those? Tea, coffee and alcohol dehydrate too so you need more water if you are drinking those.

2. Go outside. There's just something about stepping out of your house into the world. The air is different, the ceiling is higher, the light is likely brighter. It's calming, for you and your child. Calm is good. Just typing these words gets me taking some deep breathes. Bundle up if you need to but head outside and just see what you notice...about yourself and the world that you see around you. Take some deep breathes when you're out there.

3. Make self-care a part of your everyday routine. Seriously. It can be part of your everyday while not adding extra "work". Some small ways to do so? Take good, whole-food based vitamins and supplements. Dab a calming essential oil on your wrists. Get up 5 minutes earlier. Stretch your body before the day starts. 

4. Keep (start) saying "no". Ugh, this is a hard one but gosh, is it a goodie! This is one where you notice the difference immediately. Remember that saying "no" gives someone else the opportunity to say “yes”. Saying "no" also allows people who are more expert than you to do the work. Saying "no" also frees up more emotional energy which we all need. 

5. Take breaks...at work, at home. Step away from the computer (or phone). Head to the bathroom, the break room or kitchen. When you're in that new place, do something different than what you were doing: brew a cup of tea, pour a glass of water, open a magazine, talk to someone in person. Breaks are essential for us to continue to do good work, not get bored, burned or resentful. 5 minutes, 15 minutes, 50 minutes, it's all good.

6. Move more, click less. You know what I mean. Get thee away from this screen!  Roll (kick/throw) a ball to your child. Whip out your hula hoop. Take a barre class. Buy a barre for your living room, if you can't get to class. Bring your child or not. But moving not only gets you connected to your body, builds strength and eases stress but it also often connects you face-to-face with others. That's better for you than screen time, anytime.

7. Talk to a friend. In person. Remember what that was like? It felt good, right? Okay, so start it up again. Even if it only 30 minutes, make it happen. Connecting with friends in person is so crucial. They are our reality check, our champion, our support system. We need them. But if theyre not..

8. Keep “better” company. That may mean not accepting friend requests from people who you don’t really want to get to know better/stay in touch with. or it could mean dropping a friendship that has been draining you. The company we keep influences our emotional health. Just ask anyone who's struggling in her marriage or just moved to a new town. 

9. Meet a neighbor. Some of my neighbors are having a block potluck this Sunday and I'm excited! The group socialization isn't everyone's bag, I know. But studies show that being connected to your greater community, your neighborhood, is actually good for your health. It can also be a really nice way to de-stress, meet new people and apologize in advance for the flowers that your toddler might pick from a garden other than his own.

10. Let go of what's not working. You know you have something that's nor working that you feel you should let go. What is it? Decide when and how you;re going to drop it. Remember, saying "no" opens ups a "yes" for someone else. If it feels like there are a lot of stressors and you feel conflicted about what to let go, it can help to talk them out with someone unattached to them. Click here to learn about my wellness coaching offerings. And message me if you need a 15% off coupon ;-)

11. Go out with your honey. No babysitter? No problem! Head over to my Facebook page and leave me a comment that you'd like to be connected into our local babysitter swap. What if you're not local to Durham? What about starting a swap in your own 'hood? Put the idea out via your local moms group or neighborhood list serve.

12. Practice gratitude. And make it public if you can. Facebook it or Tweet it or..don't. The idea is to offer up what you feel grateful for as a way to practice mindfulness and just to be present with what is good. The stress won't necessarily abate but you might find yourself less anxious about what is distressing or challenging you. 

13. Eat an apple. Low calorie, packed with fiber and Vitamin C, this Fall fruit is a perfect complement to any healthy changes you want to make. Apples are also associated with lowering risk of heart disease and cardiovascular disease. For all the good they offer, apples are also relatively inexpensive although they are one of those fruits which ideally you want to eat organic since you are consuming the skin. Take a bite!

What's missing? What would you add? Leave me a comment below. And, as always, thanks for reading.

{new post} Why Hire a Birth #Doula

Guest Post: Tara Owens-Shuler

At my 10th year high school reunion in 1998, I received an award for having the most unique career as a Doula!  When I told my classmates that I was a birth doula, many of them asked, “You are a what?”  Doulas, a Greek word meaning “with woman”, are now more familiar in the birth community and being hired more often by women and their partners. So, what is a birth doula?

Doulas are like community health workers or patient navigators for expectant women.  We provide continuous physical, emotional, and informational support to laboring women and their partners. We do this three ways:

• provide informal education and social support; 
• help women connect to community and hospital services or resources;
• assist women in evaluating and preparing for safe and healthy birth practices during labor. 

In the current hospital settings, neither the nurse nor the doctor will remain by the bedside continuously. Doulas, on the other hand, are continuously by the bedside and provide constant support to women and their partners. Doulas do not replace the husband, partner, or other family member, we assist them with skills to better support their loved one.  Doulas help families advocate for themselves by helping them ask the right questions to get the necessary information to make informed decisions.  

A review of several research studies summarized that women who are supported by a doula during birth are:

• less likely to have a cesarean; 
• less likely to use any pain medication in labor; 
• and more likely to report greater satisfaction with their birth experience. (DONA International Position Paper).   

So, even with the credible research that strongly supports the impact that professionally trained birth doulas have on birth outcomes and satisfaction, I am often still asked, “why hire a birth doula?”.

Women hire birth doulas for all of the labor support and evidence-based reasons above and more. Expecting women who want to become more informed consumers of healthcare hire birth doulas because they offer informed, evidence-based education. Women who want to feel empowered and confident going into the childbirth experience are also ones who hire a birth doula. And women who want to feel a part of the decision-making throughout their labor are more likely to hire a birth birth doula and afterwards report feelings of satisfaction with their birth experience.

The comments below, from some of my former clients, illustrate just how much women do value the labor support services:  

“…cannot express how much you helped this be the ideal birthing experience.”

“You made the whole experience much easier and to some extent enjoyable.”

“Knowing we had your support gave us such confidence.”

“It was invaluable to have you on our ‘team’!”

One of my favorite quotes, “If a doula were a drug, it would be unethical not to use it (Dr. John Kennell)”,  speaks to why I advocate for women to hire a doula for their birth!  We are an important member of your birth team and provide immeasurable support.  

If you are interested in finding a doula for your birth, a great place to start is the DONA International website.  You can search by State and City to find doulas nearest to you.  You can also ask friends, co-workers, or family members, who have used birth doula services.  

About Tara:

Tara Owens Shuler, M.Ed., LCCE, FACCE, CD(DONA) is a Lamaze Certified Childbirth Educator (LCCE) and a certified DONA birth doula.  She is currently the Past-President of Lamaze International, having served on the Lamaze International Board of Directors for the past 5 years.  She’s a leader and advocate for women being informed and educated on evidence based birth practices.

In her spare time, Tara teaches Lamaze childbirth education classes at Rex Hospital in Raleigh, NC and independently in Durham, NC through The Birth Library.  She provides doula services to women across the Triangle area. 

Note from Elizabeth: This piece from HuffPo that came out late last week underscores Tara's mention about how doulas lower c-section rates. It's absolutely worth a read.