Time and Space

One of my all-time favorite books, World Enough and Time by Christian McEwan is one that I have yet to finish. McEwan eloquently, peacefully even, makes the case that most of us are moving too fast on a regular basis. Of course I agree. And I'd take it a step further to say that if we want to feel more confident in our everyday lives, we must make time for quiet time away.

When we don't allow ourselves the occasional quiet space that we need as a way to recover from this super-fast world, we make decisions based on fear or scarcity thinking instead of abundance and/or gut instinct. It just make sense, right? If we don't have time to process, we don't decide well. When we don't make good decisions, the affects of those poor decisions are most likely to come back and haunt us. That niggling worry causes us to second-guess ourselves next time around and sometimes also to waffle about the next decision. All of that damages our confidence levels.

Think, too, about how you can do "hard" work, whether that's on ourselves or our businesses, if we don't take time away for reflection? We cannot. Just as it is impossible to continue to add more projects, people or commitments into your life without taking some of our existing ones away, it is impossible to be productive, in any capacity, without time and space to do so. This lack of time to do work on ourselves also negatively impact self-confidence.

But as busy women, how do we make that time and space happen? One of the ways that we carve out quiet for ourselves is to start small.

Getting up 20 minutes earlier than you usually do or than your child, partner does. Planning a weekly bath night so you can soak alone in the dark or by candlelight. Hiring a helper for 2 hours per day, even once a week. Coordinating childcare with your partner so you can take a walk alone. Buying one of those cool adult coloring books and some pencils to do some reflective coloring before bed, instead of looking at Instagram. Turning off NPR in the car in order to encourage quiet reflection.

These are all small tasks, most of which are free. All of them will help you carve out space and time for quiet reflection. So, what about you? What would your time and space for reflection look like? Leave a comment below or share it on my Facebook page.

How to Create a Life

A few days ago, a male Facebook friend posted that he had done "the impossible". What feat of nature did he accomplish, you might ask a bit breathless with anticipation? Well, I'll tell you. He is now weighs over 200 pounds. There was no goal met. Friends reactions ranged from laughter to confusion. But what I didn't hear was what really stood out: any shaming.

Can you imagine if you posted something like that on your page? Likely you wouldn't even do it as a dare. As women we know our weight is no laughing matter. And likely even your kids know that if women are talking about their weight, they're likely talking about gain not with an aura of jocular accomplishment but in tones of embarrassment or self-loathing. Women are well aware that they are defined in no small part by their body image.

Even if it might be pretty, it's still a box.

Everywhere we choose to look, we see the double standard that exists for us as women. (That double standard usually becomes even more impossible when race is factored in.) It's okay for Chad to use Facebook as an ass-backwards way of bragging about his weight gain but not okay if you or I do it. Your husband's company loyalty is much less likely to be questioned when he takes paternity leave than yours is. Women still make about 76 cents for $1 a man makes. 

What those double standards look like in real life are boxes. And not the cool ones that contain keys to a new car. Women are placed in little, neat boxes in our society, sometimes as a way to understand us, yes, but more often than not as a way to keep us small, contained, managed. The worst kind of boxes are abusive ones where women are threatened or stalked as female gamer Brianna Wu has been. Wu, founder of Giant SpaceKat, an iOS gaming studio spoke out against the online trolls that attacked her female gaming friends. Then the trolls turned on her...with horrible, graphic death threats. Dr. Danielle Citron explains in a recent INC magazine article about Wu, "the whole point of this abuse is to put someone in a box that is destructive, to call into question their integrity, to demean them...and fundamentally distort who she is." Most of our boxes aren't quite so violent but they can still distort who we are. 

How do we get out of this?

One step at a time.

The first step might be an awakening realization on exactly how problematic and impossible it is to feel happiness and success when confined to a box you didn't design yourself. Those of you who work full-time because your family needs your salary when you'd rather work a schedule that allows you more flexibility might be in this spot. Your life feels cramped, your time and energy are short. You feel guilty and nowhere close to successful.

Another first step might be exploring outside the (body image, mom, employee, wife, sister) box. Deciding to step down to part-time, working with a coach to build confidence to make a change and doing some research on starting your own gig are all examples of exploring outside the box. Those in explorer mode may be unsure but are usually excited at the prospective of change. 

No house is a home unless it is lived in, loved and feels safe. No box is a life unless it's one you've designed yourself. And those double standards? They'll likely still exist even when you step out of your box. But what is gone is the power of the double standard to make you feel less than. When we get out of the boxes we're placed in (as much as we can because we can't escape every double standard, only the ones we take part in) we step into freedom. When we use our voice, we allow others to do the same. We step into a chance to make a difference by claiming our own power. 

What box feels stifling to you right now? What double standard makes you cringe? Leave me a  comment below. Thank you for reading!

S'mother Love

Two nights ago, I said to my husband, "I just want to go to bed early so I can get up to go to the gym at 5:00!". This statement came as we listened to Elisabeth cry outside her bedroom door. It was 9:15. I hesitated going in because I knew I'd be trapped, cramped into a twin bed beside her, until she fell asleep. Waffling for another half minute, I finally went in.

One of the biggest challenges that I have as a mom is reconciling my needs with what my daughter needs. Almost three, Elisabeth reacts strongly to certain situations, seemingly without rhyme or reason, and in turn, I feel frustrated and resentful. This is certainly normal and par for the course for the age. And yet, I should be able to pee when I need to...or go to bed early...or leave the house wearing the shoes I'd planned to. Should. Because no matter how good your planning or intentions, things can sometimes come to an agonizing halt when an older toddler lives in your house. 

"I think I can, I think I can..."

When you're determined to do something you desperately want, it can be almost physically painful to not be able to do it. As a mom, I feel like I've been in that spot a lot recently. And no, it's not impossible to get up at 5:00 for the gym if you go to bed late. But I work hard not to scrabble through days, living from a place of personal deficiency. Less than seven hours of sleep is too little for me if I need to get up at 5:00. I know that. It's too little and it's also not sustainable. 

So, what do you do? Two nights ago, I gave up. I went into her bedroom and hoped for a speedy exit. I was lucky. But other times, I haven't been. Not being able to depend on luck, I have to fall back on options. I always have those. One option is to ask for help from my husband before I get to the resentful stage. Having a second person step in to distract, soothe the wound-up child can be a gamechanger for everyone's mood. Another option is to do it anyway: go to the bathroom, deny her chocolate, wear the shoes I'd planned, even if Elisabeth is having a breakdown about it. I won't let her sob, gasping for breath alone in the dark but I will eat when I'm hungry, dammit!

Even if the littles in our lives don't get it, we moms have certain rights. I may not have the right to go to the gym when I please but I do have the right to eat breakfast. But let's not confuse those rights with self-care! Breakfast isn't self-care; it's our right as a working mom who needs energy to care for her children. How we choose to claim those rights is up to us. Like so much else with children, this is another "pick your battle" type-adventure.

What options do you have that you aren't exercising?

Drop the Ball

What's distracting you?

For a month now I've been focused on the two trainings that I have this month. For the past week, I've been hyper focused on the one this Saturday-two days from now. Because I'm not in my office 40 hours a week, I've needed to really put myself into these projects in bunches of concentrated time. Which meant some things needed to be back-burnered. (See list below.) Doing so has reminded me that we women take on WAY too much on a regular basis. The result is cloudy thinking, little joy and general fatigue. Ick.

I know that I'm not alone here. Am I? I'm writing to moms, pregnant women, child-free women, trying to get pregnant women and women who love their nephews and nieces. In short, all of you. So I'm tossing down the gauntlet. What can you get rid of right now? Not in a few weeks although that is helpful too. Right NOW.

Need some ideas? How about-

• responding to email right away;

• a volunteer opportunity that is no longer meaningful;

• television;

• a "bad" client;

• standards that don't fit your life;

• social media including Facebook;

• friendships that are draining you;

• a commitment that doesn't make sense;

• clothes that don't fit;

• "perfect" writing;

• negative self-talk.

Shrug it off. Drop the ball. Take a pass. Sit this one out.

Notice how you feel. If you're still cloudy and listless, you need to clean house a bit more, my friend. You won't be "perfect" but you never were...none of us are so you're in good company.

Permission is granted! I'm giving you permission to do it, looking forward with a smile, not regret.

Then, let me know about it. Here in the comments, on Facebook or by email.

What will you get rid of?