A season for giving

Most new moms I know have some decent support for the first few weeks, perhaps, even a month, after the new baby arrives.  This is wonderful of course. But at his often crazy but still wonderful time of the year, it seems like a good idea to remind all of us that new parents need support for as much of the fourth trimester as they can get.

The Triangle, where I live, is an area with many transplants, lucky as we are to have two internationally known universities and also Research Triangle Park.  What this often translates too, however, is a large number of people without families close by.  And while family doesn't always equal support, as some of us might know, it can...especially when they're a cute little baby arriving on the scene.  But family might not equal support if the new mom is traditionally the one who has been the giver of support.  I've seen this a lot recently.  New moms hosting family dinners, visiting family or taking charge of the holiday preparations.  This is often what we women do of course...because if we don't, who else will?

But perhaps instead of those new moms stepping up, we women whose babies aren't newborns anymore or maybe those women who don't have any babies at all, can step up instead. I feel like the reason for the season isn't Jesus (which seems exclusionary if you aren't a believer!) but giving instead.  Isn't that something we can all agree on?  The gift of giving.  And maybe you, like me, believe that women need to support each other more.  If so, then let's tackle this together...starting with new moms. Below are 3 ideas that you can do to help a new mom, at this time of year and beyond.

1. Drop off a cooked dish. Think veggie lasagna, tamale pie, a bowl of cut-up fruit or Slow Cooker Lentil Soup. Need ideas? Visit Catherine over at Weelicious for easy, family friendly ideas. Make it, cover it, drop it off. Doesn't need to be fancy, just edible and ideally a bit healthy to help those recovering moms heal as well as they can. Also key, the words "drop off". Do not linger. Visit another time. Let the new mom not have to feel like she needs to "host" or entertain you because you're giving her food. This is crucial.

2. Offer to watch the older child or the dog for a bit. This can mean playing with the child in the comfort of her own house or walking the dog around the block. As a post-partum doula, these are two activities that I tackle often with my clients. This comes under the header of "seriously useful hands-on help"! Another idea: you pick up the child and head to the local playground. Bring the child to your house to play with your child. Let mom be mom with just one child to worry about..even for only an hour. Every little bit helps.

3. Run an errand. Pick up groceries. Drop off clothes at dry cleaners. Pick up clothes at the dry cleaners. Get stamps. Mail a package. Get gas for the car. Get the car's oil changed. Return a gift. Pick up a book at the library. Return her books to the library. Drop off flowers. Stop by Buy Buy Baby for more diapes (although Amazon's diaper autoship is still my go-to idea for simplicity and ease.). You get the idea. Offer to do one of these and if the new mom seems less than thrilled, ask her what would be helpful.

What would you add to this list?  Leave me a comment below.

Happy holidays everyone!

Who, me? Yes, YOU!

This is a totally scary thought for many new moms but it is true: you know her best.  You've known her the longest and are likely with her the most.  And here's another scary thought: this may be the first time in our lives that we have had to take responsibility for a being other than ourselves.  We may not have ever advocated for ourselves, let alone a baby who we feel like we barely know.  But advocate we must.  If we don't do it now, when do we? Advocating for our child is a healthy habit that it's best to start now.

Advocacy is a habit.  Starting now will help later on when the "should" people are quickly multiplying in number, queueing up just behind your pediatrician.  It's always harder to voice your difference of opinion to a large group when the stakes are high than to one person over something that's, in contrast, pretty small, right?  So, advocacy starts now with two can-do's: trusting your gut instinct and relying on common sense.

Pediatricians aren't much different than the post-partum nurses in the hospital after you deliver.  After they learn that this beautiful jewel is your first baby, out comes the instructions to feed every four hours and other out-dated mumbo-jumbo.  Sigh. So, listen to your gut when the pediatrician, your sister, the best friend who had her babies two years ago or your mother-in-law admonish you for allowing your darling to sleep in the BOB when you arrive home.  You know her best.  You really do.  But if something happens and you find yourself at a loss, use this opportunity as a reminder to really pay attention next time. 

In addition to listening to the gut, what about common sense, when it comes to advocacy? This sometimes seems to be missing from some of the "my pediatrician said" statements that I hear.  For example, if Baby wakes up in the middle of the night, chances are she's crying. Crying is the only thing that babies can do to tell us that something is horribly wrong.  If she wakes in the middle of the night, might she not be hungry?  Makes sense to me.  But ignoring a baby's crying doesn't. Not only does it not make good sense but ignoring a baby's crying can lead to a wealth of developmental -both emotional and physical-issues that can span beyond childhood. [For more details on what kind of developmental issues can arise from neglecting babies crying, see Dr. Bruce Perry's work in _The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog_.]

Let me be clear: I'm an expert in helping women advocate more confidently for themselves but not a medical professional.  So if this post is helpful to you or gives you permission to trust yourself more, I'm glad.  {And please share it!} If it doesn't work for you, that's okay too.  Remember that advocacy is a habit best practiced often.  Using gut instinct and common sense when it comes to advocating for your baby will help you make the best, most informed decisions possible. And who can't use a little more of that confidence??

What about you?  Where do you have challenges advocating...for yourself or baby?

5 things I'd do differently...

I started to make a list of things that I wish I had done with Elisabeth (taking a signing class for example) but I realized there were also some decisions that I made on more of a personal level that, in hindsight, were a miss.  I'd love to hear what you would add, if you feel inclined to comment below. Here it is:

The first picture of my daughter

1. Accept help offered.  It seems like a basic (working on a blog post over at Swoon about this issue) but I had the idea that I should be able to do it all and do it all well.  Kind of like "women are equal now, aren't they? They can go to the same colleges that men go to AND run for office!" thinking, right? Yeah, that kind of confused.  Help was offered.  Things were offered.  Should have smiled and said "yes" to both.
2. Get a photographer to take pictures at the birth.  Not of the birth.  That would be way too much.  But simple photos of first moments with Elisabeth.  I have no pictures of E. and myself until she's about three weeks old.  I would so love some of those early days. But I have none.  Why?  Vanity, I supposed in part. A misguided notion of privacy in some other part, I guess. Mistake. Wish I had some. 
3. Rest More.  Just what it sounds like.  I didn't really rest as much as I should.  I was making cookies a week after I had E. For this one, I'm crystal clear on the why: I missed both my own cooking and a sense of normal so desperately that it felt more important to have those two things than to take a nap.  That hasn't changed.  Even now I often avoid sleeping so I can get more done.   I still apparently haven't learned the lesson! I'm working on this but it's hard to teach an old dog...
4. Hire a lactation consultant.  How this seemed like a non-essential when I was so determined to breastfeed, I honestly have no idea.  But it did.  Part of it was I didn't know any lactation consultants.  Not good enough. Things can go downhill fast for new moms in this area.  We just don't know enough about what is right and what isn't to prevent it ourselves, most of the time. True for me and so many others.
5. Worry Less.  Worry wasn't my middle name but it was definitely something that I would answer to, if you shouted loud enough. Worrying about breastfeeding (see #4), not feeling like myself, all the 'things' that could go wrong, baby basics I didn't know, etc. I even tried to do the 12 Step thing about offering it up to a higher power.  That worked, sometimes. After all, do I seriously imagine that I am in control of the universe? (Yes. Just kidding! Sort of.) Seth Godin said: "anxiety is experiencing failure in advance."  Truth, that. I've come to believe, though, that the way to avoid anxiety is to feel more confident (and rested!) in general.  Feeling confident and capable though comes from experience, yes, but also education, support and hands-on help.  Funny...that's exactly what a post-partum doula offers.

If you're a parent already, what would you add to this list?  What do you wish you had done differently?

Child-directed play

Your newborn may be a bit young for this but perhaps you have an older child or are just thinking ahead, then read on...

One of the most difficult things that I have had to learn as a parent is to allow Elisabeth to direct our play*.  I see a lot of parents struggle with this: the letting go of their child so that she can do her own thing.  It is so hard. But in my continued reading of family therapist Jesper Juul's inspired book _The Competent Child_, I've learned that it is absolutely essential to allow our child to exercise free will. 

For me, allowing your child to exercise free will starts with taking her seriously.  Which sounds a little wacky, I know  It's easy to not take a child seriously.  They are small, not as strong as an adult and sometimes can't even verbalize their own wants and needs.  But really aren't these are all the more reasons why we need to take our children seriously?  It's all too easy to just pick him up and move him where you want to, right? When you take your child seriously, though, you try to understand "the situation" from their perspective and value what they are doing or trying to do.  So, in Music Together class for example, I can go get Elisabeth when she wanders off toward the bathroom instead of playing with her maraca OR I can allow her to do that, just sit there and notice what she is doing.

So, reason #1 to not pick up your child and just move them: it's not sustainable long-term.  At some point they will be large enough to fight you or at least make moving them physically difficult and likely embarrassing for both of you. But perhaps most importantly, reason #2 why moving them isn't the best action to take is that when you allow your child the freedom to make their own choices, you teach them that their own wants/needs/feelings/experiences are valid.  In doing so, you show your child that you take them seriously.

When I think about what I want my daughter to know above else, I come back to one key point.  One of which is that she will always know that she is important: that she counts.  Even if I or someone else doesn't like her ideas or agree with her words.  Even if she speaks loudly or doesn't talk at all. She counts, no matter what.  Her feelings are valid.  And I can say "you can do anything you set your mind to," (as my mother told me) or "you never have to compromise your beliefs," or "no matter what, I'll always love you," but if my actions don't back up those laudable statements, then what good are they?  And, yes, she's a little young to hear those exact words right now but she hears other reassuring words that validate her sense of self so it's still important to back those words up with actions.

There's also an usually invisible pleasure to be found in allowing child-directed play in that we give ourself "the bloom of the present moment,".  I love that quote and found it while reading Christian McEwen's _World Enough and Time_.  McEwen talks about time with children as a way to slow ourselves down and be guided more by fascination, as children are, than schedules. It's a lovely sentiment.  Fortunately it's one that those of us who have small children can actually dip into when we allow child-directed play.

I am one of the most impatient people that I know and that absolutely carries over into my parenting although I work really hard to tamp it. So, I often find it difficult to just allow Elisabeth to do whatever her big heart desires.  What that often looks like in real time is much back and forth of her handing off puzzle pieces and me reading each one aloud.  As always (or so it seems), this is exactly where I think we're supposed to be.  Me helping the learning instead of directing it.

What do you think?  Do you allow child-directed play and if so, what does this look like on a daily basis as a parent?

*within safety, of course.

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