{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} Why is it so darn hard to feel like a good #mom?

Do you hear from others that you are a good mom and sometimes have a hard time believing them? I did, especially in those very early days when my daughter was in those single digits. Intellectually I believed what the person was saying; I knew that they weren't lying or trying to placate me. But emotionally, I felt like I sometimes was failing Elisabeth. Because of that belief (even if it was occasional), I found it hard to believe that I was a good mom.  Here are a few examples of moments that made it hard for me to feel like a good mom:

1. I'd share a story of a recent baby challenge with one of my sisters or a friend and ask, “did _____ ever do anything like that?” and they'd answer “No.” Argh! "Is it just me?", I would wonder.
2. Elisabeth was growing so quickly and in so many different ways that reading her “cues”, following her lead or knowing how to best stimulate her learning felt impossible sometimes. And then I felt foolish or stupid.
3. Given the choice of a shower or breakfast, I always opted for the shower even though I knew that I should eat. 
4. My husband has a billion songs from childhood that he remembers very easily. Me? Not one. For months I didn't sing "you are my sunshine," (one of the only songs I know) because it felt too depressing. "What kind of mom isn't singing to her baby?" I'd think.
5. Elisabeth was ten months before I took her to story time at the library. But everyone seemed like they'd been going for years...judging by how well they knew the finger plays!

There's more of course. Society pushes women so much toward an impossible double standard that it can be hard to feel like a success at anything! But putting even that aside as much as I can, I've learned two things that have made me feel calmer and more confident about the kind of mom I am:

Elisabeth at seven months

1. Support from other moms is essential. I started going to Paula's new moms groups because I wanted the support and community around a new baby but quickly found I was running the group! That was wonderful but didn't answer my need for support. So, I started connecting to newer moms in my community through local list serves as well as reaching out to moms from my childbirth class. Those actions helped me feel less alone and also provided support and encouragement about my parenting. When one mom said she thought Elisabeth was "brave, open to new experiences," I felt like I had won the lottery! If she was seen as brave at seven months, I must be doing something right.
2. Time away from baby gives great perspective. I started working two afternoons a week when Elisabeth was five months. It was one of the best decisions that I've ever made. I was desperate for adult company, to have a little money coming in but didn't want to feel stressed by my work. Working part-time in retail fit the bill...along with being pretty and fun too! The time at work freed up my mind too. I started to imagine what kind of work I wanted to do and eventually started planning Outside The Mom Box. I came back to my family refreshed and energized with a new perspective on the parenting that I was doing and what I wanted to be more cognizant of in the future.

Today, I don't think much about whether or not I'm a good mom: I know I am. I may periodically miss signs that Elisabeth is giving me or waited a while to schedule her first dentist appointment (whoops!) but I'm less inclined to evaluate my parenting based on what I haven't done. 

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Ourselves, our children

How many photos do you have of your baby/babies by now? Hundreds? I snapped photos all the time in the early days. How many was I in with Elisabeth in the first six months? Not many. Then I read an article by a mom who talked about her decision to start including herself in pictures with her children. The author prefaced the choice by saying that she’d gained weight, wasn’t exercising regularly and felt pretty shlumpy in general.  In spite of all of "this", however, she decide it was less important to feel that she looked perfect and more important to be IN the picture, with her children. So I started including me in those photos, when I hadn't before. Here's why I did and why you might want to do so, too, if you aren't already:

1. Your child's history includes you. No great revelation here but just as you document your baby's story, so should you get yourself in there too. You are part of that story...at least when she’s small anyway. That story, too, becomes a great tool for dialogue with your growing baby. He will soon LOVE seeing and identifying all the people in the photo, likely taking great delight in saying his name AND yours.

2. Cameras no longer require immaculate grooming. There is likely a camera in your phone which you use, if you're like most of us, more often than your "nice" camera. The camera is not something that comes out when we both look perfectly coiffed. I want Elisabeth to see pictures of us together when I look fabulous, tired, wet, dry, in glasses and everything in between. That's real and she knows it.

Maybe you can already see how fast time is flying. Hold tight onto some part of it by taking a picture with both of you/all of you in it.

Does it feel important to you to be in photos you take of your kids? If so, why? If not, why not? Thank you for reading. 

6 "starter" books to read with your baby or toddler

It's so easy to get sucked into the hype of being a new mom. We're told that we need to be the best advocate for our child(ren) which involves the "small" stuff like knowing signs of readiness for solids as well as the "larger" issues like keeping up on the latest information related to children's health. So when someone comes along with something that feels like it might be a timesaver AND help our child at the same time, many of us feel compelled to seize upon it.  But, sadly, in spite of Baby Einstein's lofty promises, a new article in The Atlantic confirms that no, babies cannot learn to read at three months.  

Sometimes, it's articles like these that reminds me to take a step backward and just enjoy the moments with my daughter as they happen.  In that vein, below are 6 books for you and your baby that I've found offer a good jumping off point into reading: 

1. Little Blue Truck by Alice Schertle and Jill McElmurry - I read this book for the first time to Elisabeth at 3 months after I saw it at my sister Sarah's house. Plot: a friendly blue truck talks to everyone and helps out a larger truck who isn't as friendly. Yes, a little bit of an advanced storyline for a newborn but the rhyme-y nature, pithy life lessons ("now I know a lot depends on a helping hand from a few good friends,") and gender neutral characters sucked me in! I now know this book by heart and can recite it on call whenever stuck in a traffic jam or an unfriendly airport. Elisabeth still loves it. 
2. Tumble Bumble by Felicia Bond - Another one we started reading at 3 months. Plot: animal characters find unexpected adventures (and unlikely friendships!) with each other on a sunny afternoon.  Very fun, gender neutral and also catchy. Another one I know by heart and can recite anywhere.  
3. Mama, Do You Love Me? by Barbara M Jossee & Barbara Lavallee - One of our favorites that I have been reading to Elisabeth since she was born. Plot: a little girl tests mom and mom continues to reassure that mom's love is forever. Endlessly sweet and beautifully illustrated. Mom and daughter appear to be Native American which is also nice. A very simple book with lots of opportunities for discussion.
4. Good Night Moon by Margaret Wise Brown - A classic that I loved as a child and one which we started early, early with Elisabeth. Plot: A gender neutral bunny getting ready for bed bids good night to pretty much everything ("goodnight stars, goodnight air,") before finally ready for sleep. Lots of simple, easy to understand language with words to learn and repeat. Repetitive but not boring.
5. Each Peach Pear Plum by Allan Ahlberg & Janet Ahlberg- One of my favorites that went off my radar until recently. Plot: Several fairy tale and folk characters (Mother Hubbard, Cinderella, Wicked Witch, Robin Hood, etc. ) join in to form a sweet, rhyming story which is engaging and fun. Great opportunities to ask baby/toddler what he sees as he gets older ("where are the bunnies?" or "Show me where the broom is.").
6. Roadwork by Sally Sutton- A recent discovery. Plot: a crew of men and women build a road from start to finish with amazing sound affects along the way. Wow, what is not to be crazy about in this board book? There is a nice repetition, lot of action, beautiful illustrations and a crew who works together on each page to achieve the goal. Elisabeth loves the sound affects on each page.  

While your baby may not learn to read at 3 months, it is important to read to her, as this piece featured on WUNC recently explored. Remember, too, that when you read together, she is learning new words as well as a love of books. These little seeds are like so many as a parent that you plant on a daily basis which hopefully will stay with your child for life.

What are your favorites?  What would you add to this list?  Leave a comment below.

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Book Review: Maxed Out: American Moms on the Brink

Writer, mom, consultant Katrina Alcorn wrote _Maxed Out_ after her own struggles with trying to do it all and be it all led her to personal maxing out.  I really appreciated this book on many levels but not least of which is Alcorn's raw honesty about her struggles, her insecurities, her risks and her many failures.  It seems to me that we don't hear enough about the nitty gritty that each of us moms face on a daily basis and --really important here- that we aren't to blame.  Alcorn fills that gap with this much needed book.

Buy on Amazon

In each chapter, Alcorn niftily intertwines her own story with related hard facts.  For example, in the chapter about her maternity leave from her former company, she concludes her story with the American reality of the challenge that she faced.  In this case, a lack of paid family leave.  She uses hard, current facts that are clearly and persuasively stated to make her case.  Over and over, Alcorn makes the case that moms aren't simply coming up short because of their own failings but because society at large has failed us.  And that's the most important, timeliest message that all moms need to internalize.  Right now. We aren't doing anything wrong.  We are doing the best that we can in a society that appears to value mothering but really when the rubber meets the road does next to nothing to support the mothers who do that mothering. 

It has always been important to me to help women support other women.  I offer free groups to new and expecting moms as one way to do this and I also volunteer locally in a different capacity.  Alcorn delivers here too. After "practice saying no" In the afterward, #2 is "Be An Ally To Other Woman".  #2 is just one more way to underscore the message of her book.  I think this is a crucial connection.  Yes, we all want paid leave (I think many people can agree on that) but less agreed upon is the need to band together, for women especially, to make these changes a reality.  That banding together involves supporting other women whose choices may not be your own i.e the decision to have a child or the decision not to have a child, for example.  A  conversation that should be focusing on how we can improve things for all of us becomes the sexy "Mommy Wars" crap instead.  Let's place the blame, not on ourselves or each other, but on the society that we live in for failing women and families at every turn.

One of my favorite parts of _Maxed Out_was the afterword.  Alcorn gives the reader ten tips that she can do right now.  So many of these grim look-at-the-desperate-state-of-the-world-we-live-in books don't offer any hope or ideas at the end for improvement.  Alcorn does.  Some of her tips take a bit more gumption than others ('practice saying no' and 'tell your partner what you need') but they are all smart, do-able and important for each mom to practice for a bit more sanity.  Alcorn also mentions Moms Rising, an advocacy organization that works on both grass roots and national levels to support moms.  Speaking of women supporting women! Alcorn encourages readers to sign up for Moms Rising and mentions that she is donating 10% of the proceeds of her book to the organization.  Wow, way to put your money with your mouth is.  

As I finished the book, I couldn't help think of Sheryl Sandberg and her take on what women need to get ahead.  _Lean In_ gets so many accolades for Sandberg's false message of the key to success being women working harder and smarter. Alcorn on the other hand places the blame squarely on the shoulders of the real problem: the society we live in, not our lack of hard work or personal dedication.  Mothers everywhere have those qualities in spades.  Alcorn does and so does Sandberg of course. What we don't have are systems that support families.  Women like Sandberg, however, are not only privileged enough to be able to buy the support that they need to raise a family: a nanny, housecleaner, personal assistants, daycare, etc. but are also more educated, higher up the corporate latter, etc. In short, they are very very fortunate. Women like Alcorn and I and perhaps you too, dear reader, cannot buy every success.  Not should we have to.

If you are a new mom or a soon-to-be mom, likely you will feel stuck in this place of no-win many, many times. I hope not of course.  But if you are, consider picking up _Maxed Out_ for a much needed reality check.  It's worth your time and your precious sanity too.

Outside The Mom Box rating: 5 stars out of 5

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