{new post} The Good (Enough) Mother

The above image is my daughter drinking from her water table. The good news is that I had *just* filled up the table. The bad news is that she likely would have drank it even if the water wasn't fresh. In case you were wondering, yes, she's been drinking bath water too. But I'm not going to sweat it. 

Perfect isn't going to happen with me. Rationally I know that I can't be flawless. But occasionally, and more often than I'd like to admit, I shoot for it. I make an amazing nutritious dinner, vacuum the house and change the dogs water during nap.  I wash Elisabeth's hair more than once a week and attempt to comb it immediately afterwards. I wait for my husband to start talking about his day before I dive into mine.

Most of this doesn't last longer than a few days. 

But I'm not going to aim for perfection or even "excellence" as a mother. Perfection is the enemy of "good enough". And damn, I want to be a good enough mom before I want perfection...for many reasons, not least of which is good mental health. But I also don't want my daughter to see a "perfect" mother. Someone who never fails publicly, admits she made mistakes, reverses her position on anything and then wonder why she, aka the star of her mother's universe, doesn't measure up. Perfection is the silent killer of trying new things and admitting they didn't work. And I always want my child to try new things. At 2 years old, she is truly "the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more," and I want that boldness to continue. Perfection will tamp it will down and lock the door.

And here's something else about perfection: even if the attempted pumpkin bread does turn out delicious this time, something else will inevitably happen next time or the time after that to throw a curveball into the batter. Because that's life. We can't control everything including our wishes or our child's. You can be the mom who dreams of pushing your child on a playground swing only never to do so because he hates it. You can be the parent who does all the research on an issue and your child blows it all out of the water because there is no one else like him in the world. 

So, what do I do about this silent enemy, perfectionism? I make it up as I go along. I try something new and see if it sticks. I adjust my standards and take a breath.  I come to terms with hair washed once a week because that's who Elisabeth is right now. And unless we have a lice epidemic break-out, why force her to submit to this if I don't have to? I'm trying to let go of non-essentials, practice gratitude for everything that I have and go to bed early. 

Most of the time.

And when I'm not making it up, I mentally mull over judgement calls all day long about whether or not it's worth telling my daughter "No!" or cautioning her against something.  She who remembers mine and my husband's words, as your child does too. Is my "no" about me and my perfectionist tendencies or is it really what's best for her? Most of the time, my "no" seems to be the former. Like when I'm hustling to get her into the car and she's watching a cat crossing the street. My "no, we don't have time for that," is about ME. It's my fault we are running late because I shouldn't have tried to make cookies, do another load of laundry, and clean up the toys on the floor before we left the house.  That's the crazy-making and anxiety-inducing behavior behind perfectionism.

Every day we are teaching our babies something. And the unreal thing is that it is often invisible. The invisibility factor makes mothering all the harder. So let's not create more work for ourselves, moms. Let's give up the pursuit of perfect for good enough, do the best we can, and love everyone around us.

{new post} Time flies: Lotte Time Lapse

This video by Dutch filmmaker Frans Hofmeester of his daughter, Lotte, was making the rounds a few weeks ago but I think it's worth a look, again or for the first time.

What do you notice when you watch it? 

Life's Invisible Work

Even new moms understand pretty quickly that much of the work that they do for their child/children is often unnoticed. I've come to believe that mothering is often an invisible existence composed of simple, unremarkable actions that usually occur behind closed doors. Some of those acts are intentionally unobtrusive but most, I think, are not.  I call these acts of uncommon mothering "life's invisible work" or #lifesinvisiblework. 

{wiping...noses, bottoms, grubby hands. emptying the diaper pail. singing a song that will distract. ordering diapers, wipes, putting it all away. filling a bath.}

Sometimes the work of mothering isn't invisible...those times when we are actively engaged with our child: pushing him on the swing, mom/baby yoga, whooshing her around in the pool. But inevitably these kinds of opportunities shrink as our babies grow up. And so the bulk of our mothering work really is unseen. Does that matter?

Yes, it does matter. And the invisible work of mothering matters as a feminist issue because a) mothering is done primarily by women and b) because invisible work of any kind is usually ignored, marginalized or minimized...not to mention low paid.

{buying, trying, donating formula. breastfeeding. pumping. preparing bottles. talking to lactation consultants. pumping. buying new bras.}

bell hooks tells us that feminism "is a movement to end sexism, sexist exploitation and oppression." The work of mothering is easy to ignore, explore and oppress because it is so invisible. But if we allow this then we ignore the voices of many women, 4 out of 5 of whom will have children in their lifetime. And their voices are as important as who benefits from their invisible work: children and families. Mothering must not go unnoticed even if the work is often invisible.

{managing multiple schedules. reading labels. interviewing babysitters, nannies, daycares, schools. packing backpacks, diaper bags, snacks. car seat research. laundry.}

So, here's what we do: we make the unseen, seen again. We do that by writing, talking, Tweeting about the mothering work that we are doing. By sharing the everyday, unremarkable moments that make up the hours of our lives. And let's make it even more visible by using the hashtag: #lifesinvisiblework. Start in the way that feels most comfortable to you, perhaps on Outside The Mom Box Facebook page or on your own wall. Then dare to put it out there to others in different circles of your life.  Support those who do. See what happens.

What work do you do as a mother that is invisible? Leave a comment below.

{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} Book Review: The Vital Touch by Sharon Heller

"This book is about the continuous battle between our genes and our culture," so begins Dr. Sharon Heller in the introduction of _The Vital Touch_. And with that lead-in you can only guess where things go from there! _The Vital Touch_ was required reading for my DONA-approved post-partum doula training so I read it when my daughter was about five months old. While the book spends plenty of time on newborns, it is an appropriate (and I would say, important) read for anyone with a baby under 1 year. Disclaimer: _The Vital Touch_is almost 20 years old and while I would normally steer clear of recommending older resources, I feel very strongly that the knowledge it contains is both relevant and crucial for new parents to access.

As the title would tell you, Heller offers plenty of evidence in support of being physically and emotionally engaged with your baby.  But one of the strongest aspects of the book I think is in her comparison with how the US compares with other countries in terms of how we care and respond to babies. For example: Heller tells us that American babies are among the least held babies in the world. Knowing how the US ranks in terms of infant mortality, I think this statistic, while almost twenty years old, is likely still true, sadly. With stories, facts and figures, Heller gently prompts us to look closely at what is lost when babies needs are ignored or attended to in less a way than they should be. Frankly, it is fascinating. 

And there's no easy answer here. As I've said before here and here, here too is that we need to redirect fault away from mom and toward a society which doesn't set new moms up with the tools that we need for success when our baby is born. That's a problem. I believe that most moms make decisions that they believe are best for their child. So while Heller addresses many of the issues that I've discussed before in terms of the culture of absence that new moms are born into, there isn't the same call to action that Katrina Alcorn offers readers in _Maxed Out_. I'm okay with this, however, because: 1) Heller's strength is really that of an anthropologist and educator and she does such an outstanding job in these areas and 2) in 1997, there just wasn't a concerted effort or public urgency around organizing for societal change for moms that we see today. 

_The Vital Touch_is a truly must-read for any new parent. But it feels especially relevant for new parents who are curious about child development in their baby. Heller is accessible, compassionate and curious...all of which make _The Vital Touch_not only an engaging but a relatively easy one too.

Is there a book that you are curious about that you'd like me to review? Leave me a comment below.

Update: I did email Dr. Heller and ask if she planned to do an updated version of The Vital Touch and she wrote back with this: "no updated version. Publishers don't do this unless books sell volumes and unfortunately this one hasn't. But thanks for reaching out & for your support!" Never hurts to ask. :-)