Concentrating On What Truly Matters

Like listening to your gut instinct, being able to fully concentrate on what truly matters can be hard. You're a busy woman; multi-tasking or squeezing in time to tackle something when it appears you may have a down moment is likely a norm...whether or not you have kids. But that doesn't always work well, does it? Whatever you do get done isn't usually your best and mistakes happen. In addition, you often aren't fully able to concentrate on what truly matters, whether it is the work in front of you, driving a car, watching your child or being with your partner. Let's talk about concentrating on what truly matters so you feel more present, less anxious and maybe even a little safer.

In this not so distant past (this morning), my phone was on the passenger seat of my car. Where I needed it, right? At stop lights, I'd text and jot ideas/tasks/reminders in my Evernote app. Sometimes with my headset, I'd talk to my sisters or dad on the phone in the car. But none of this is good. Because I'm not fully concentrating on what truly matters...in my case, driving a 3000 pound car safely.

In a recent blog post on digital hygiene, Seth Godin recommends putting your phone in the glove box when driving. I was with Seth on the post, up until this point. Just reading it made me anxious. What if I needed it? What if my phone melted because I forgot it? Like you, I am attached to my phone. It's never far out of sight, or likely out of hand. But as usual, Seth was right. Not only do we need distance from our technology so we can be more productive when we are at work but more generally, we need to be better at concentrating on what truly matters.

I give you permission to put your phone in the glovebox. I give you permission to not be available 24/7 to everyone and anyone.

When you put your phone in the glovebox (literally or metaphorically), you're making a conscious decision to improve your concentration on what truly matters. You're deciding in favor of your mental health and perhaps physical health too. "This is an area of anxiety that I can control," you declare when you put that phone in the glovebox. You're confirming your commitment to do good work well, not average work when you can.

Concentrating on what truly matters isn't easy but it isn't rocket science either. It's a simple formula: remembering (your awareness of the distraction) + doing (putting the distraction, like a phone, away) = better concentration on what truly matters. Along the way, you'll also notice less anxiety, increased productivity and greater safety.

Is your phone the distraction you need to put in the glovebox? Or is it something else? Leave me a comment below. And if you like this post, click the heart below. Thanks for reading.

PS. We talk about distractions, busyness vs. productivity and all about making time for what truly matters in my group coaching program, Uncommon Confidence, which starts August 20. Join me and a small group of other women as we journey to feel and act more confidently in ways that matter everyday.

Keepsakes

A recent DoubleX Gabfest episode started with a conversation around toddlers and talking. The hosts were talking with Margaret Talbot about her New Yorker article, The Talking Cure, which looks at a Providence RI program that seeks to teach lower income parents about the importance of talking to their toddlers.* The article is an interesting one but toward this segment of Gabfest, Talbot mentions more recent research by Unequal Childhoods author Annette Lareau which essentially says some upper class parents tend to be on their phones more...which is apparently just as problematic as not talking to their toddlers. Getting how mind numbing it can be to care for a a baby, my mind drifted toward the idea of keepsakes. 

Perhaps like me you kept a log early on dedicated to your baby. Mine was a simple notebook with basics (how many wet diapes, how many poopie ones) and moved into more interesting behaviors like first smiles or how long she would permit her daily tummy time. Somewhere around six months I stopped simply recording what Elisabeth did and started blogging my thoughts about her and parenting. I continued to take photos of course. Last August, I began to use the Evernote app to capture words and phrases that Elisabeth said. None of these are traditional "keepsakes" but they serve a similar purpose of helping record a life or event. 

We're inclined to take photos of our babies. Our smart phones are nearby, equipped with a more than decent camera, ready for anything. Lord knows, we pay enough each month for them, it can feel justified that they are attached to our hip! Many of us (me included) are also inclined to post  descriptions of cute things that our child did or said on various social media sites. Technology makes everything easy. Until we get lose it, break it or...it breaks us, that is. When every mom I know seems to wish for more hours in the day, "easy" is a no-brainer. Instagram, for example, is easy to use and hard to give up. It's not just a way to share a picture of with your sister three states away but also a way for you to stay in touch, see her kids playing and where she and her partner went to dinner. It's a connection. But do we need different kinds of keepsakes, other than our electronic ones?

I don't think there is one answer to that question. For some of us, no, we don't need keepsakes other than the electronic ones that we use. But for others, the answer is "yes". And I don't think it's complicated to determine which category you're in.

• Are you the DIY type? Do you like to scrapbook, write with a pen on actual paper or immerse yourself in paints, chalks, pastels? Are you at home with scissors and fabric, humming away on a project that isn't intended for public consumption? If this sounds like you, then creating a non-electronic keepsake may be a good idea.

• Are you more of an extrovert than introvert? Someone who likes being "out there"? Someone who appreciates others' shares and prefers to share with a larger number of people more often. Would you rather categorize the photos you took into albums on your computer OR print and put them into a scrapbook? If this feels more like you, then carry on with your Facebook posts, blogging and whatever else you're doing

While we might recognize bits of ourself in both "types", I think one is more like us than another. The challenge comes in owning whichever type that is and making it happen. It's never good if we find ourself acting more out of habit than true desire, if we post to Facebook when we'd really rather be writing in our journal. It's a trap we all fall into. I know I definitely do!

Do you have keepsakes of your child or children? If so, what are they? Leave a comment below. Thanks for reading.

* Research indicates that the amount you talk to your children basically depends on how much money you make. Working class families talk to their kids less, significantly less, than "professional" families do.

Gendered Childhood

Relatively speaking, gendering childhood doesn't seem as big of a deal as say, childhood sexual abuse. So it seems silly and a bit frivolous to talk about how problematic it is that our society (including friends and family) points parents to a specific color (pink), identity (princess), brand or toy dependent on whether or not we have a girl or boy child. So, instead of unpacking this concept, let me show you an example of what I mean:

Send the "availability" message early...at age 6 months at your local Buy Buy Baby!

...and if that's not enough, we have an all-boy or all-girl diaper selection at my local Harris Teeter. Could I find a pull-up that wasn't blue, pink or with a Disney character on it? Nope.

This is a problem. (Okay, I will talk about it.) What's the issue? some parents might ask. I love pink, others might add. I love pink too. So much so that my first company logo was pink...and brown. I do love pink. But I'm also an adult with access and awareness of other colors and choices.

The problem with gendering childhood is complicated but for me, boils down to two things. The first is about choice. When there is a lack of choice (a plain white size 5 diaper for example) choosing becomes an access and privilege issue. I can order Seventh Generation pull-ups from Amazon, a brand of diaper we've used since Elisabeth was born. They will come "free and clear", not only from chemicals but also from colors and branding. But that's a privilege. They are more expensive than the pink or blue Huggies. Money shouldn't dictate access, although we know that it does, as anyone who has ever looked at preschool for their child is aware.

Something else makes a product good enough for this mom to buy: inclusion of dads as parents who also care about kids' teeth.

The second issue that I have with gendering childhood is that gendering is stereotyping. When we stereotype, we miss who someone really is. Stereotypes limit our vision both for ourselves (what we can see of someone else) and for others (who they truly are). They are ultimately about inequality. When we pigeonhole people, in this case, children, it greatly limits their ability to express themselves. To be who they truly are. There's nothing good about that.

When Elisabeth is not singing or banging on something, she enjoys playing with dinosaurs (just ask her what Baryonyx used to eat!), jumping in puddles and getting her hands dirty. She also likes putting her dolls to sleep in her big girl bed or our couch, covering them up and saying quietly, "I'm here, I'm here,". Is she a "typical" girl? I don't know and don't care. What I do care about is making sure Elisabeth knows that she is accepted and loved for who she is. That means extra time to find sneakers without glitter and clothes that allow her to actually play in them. I'll do it because its important to me and I have the privilege of extra time and money for things that are important for our family. But I shouldn't have to. No one should.