The Best, First Thing Isn't Your Belief

You want to do the right thing. And your friend/sister/partner may sense your willing spirit. They yearn to share their story without feeling judged. But they worry about being "too much". They've been told to "get over it,", that they are making a "big deal" or that they are "too sensitive". It happens to them a lot. You may know this. So you want to be different. But the best, first thing you can do for them isn't "I believe you,".

In the past, their story hasn't always mattered. Friends looked away. Folks from church changed the subject. Family walked out. Sometimes, even the abuse became the focal point, instead of their experience. The survivor were urged to press charges or make a complaint. Survivors have often felt the bigness of their abuse, and less their own power as a person.

Yet, survivors need to feel powerful. Power and control was yanked from them in a painful way. Being able to share their story as they would like to gives back some of that power. There is satisfaction in getting to tell a story in their own way. In the re-telling, they get to choose how the story ends. Your "I believe you," is a sentence that not only takes power away but it also ends their story.

The best, first thing a survivor needs is the chance to share their story on their own terms. Wait for them. It may take years. But when they feel safe, they will speak. Then you listen until your gut tells you that they are done. After, you check in on that feeling. "Is there anything else?" you could ask. You wait.

This is hard.

It's easier to barrel in, try to get the whole story, to learn everything. But no matter how hungry you are for connection or answers, their life is not for your consumption.

A time may come in your relationship with them when your gut may urge you to offer, "I believe you,". And if it feels right and true, you can share that. And then again, you may never get that feeling. That's okay too. By this time, the survivor will know you are on their side. And you will both know that while the best, first thing isn't always the easiest, it's often the kindest.

Behind The Scenes: "Can My Abusive Partner Change?"

Email from Tara:

"I'm in an eight year relationship and my husband's drinking has become a problem. When he is drunk, he's abusive toward me. I've spoken to him about this (when he's sober) but he either doesn't think there's an issue or can't remember what I'm talking about. I've invested so much time with him so I want it to work. But I'm at a loss about what else to do. Do abusers ever change?"

Tara raises a common question. 

Anyone who has ever been in abusive relationship, including me, can empathize with her. We've invested hard work into a relationship. We're willing to help our partner make changes in his or her own life so we can be in a healthy relationship again. But it takes two people to change what's wrong in a relationship, especially one where there is abuse.

The good news is that abusers can change. 
The bad news is that they don't usually want to.

Abusers know what works for them and they continue to do it because it does work. It works when there are no repercussions from their actions. The partner stays. The job keeps them on. Their siblings still speak to them as always.  Without any kind of accountability, there is no reason on his end to make a change.

Except love.

In a healthy relationship, if we bring a challenge to our partner, they will work with us on it because they love us. We are one of the most important people in their life. They want us to be happy.

In an abusive relationship, problems aren't problems unless they are the abuser's. Tara's husband is unwilling to admit that his actions cause her harm. My guess is that he may go a step further and blame her for what he does.  Abusers usually find a way to offload responsibility for their actions. Abusers are not skilled at owning their own shit. 

Abusers will sometimes stop their behavior when they are caught. When they get a DWI or get fired from their job for example. But stopping abusive behavior in those situations is circumstantial and often temporary. 

Everyone of us only changes when we want to change. 

I have lived the story of wanting someone to change too, Tara. And I've been teaching people about abuse forever. If he is not listening to you -the person he loves most in the world- he's not going to change.

So it's on you, dear one. You make the choice to save yourself or try to continue to save him, sacrificing yourself. It's never easy but it is that simple: there are only those two choices.  

Just remember, you're worth it. Now, today and tomorrow. Always.