"On the joyous side"

My husband and I went to our first parent/teacher conference yesterday. Feeling most comfortable with a pen and paper (if no laptop is available), I took copious notes, as if I would have been able to call my mother afterwards. Instead of that option, however, these notes seem to be destined for me. But as I looked at the notes this morning, I noticed this line, "her strongest expressions are on the joyous side,". Underlined and starred. These are the words of one of her two teachers: "on the joyous side".

What would your life look like if your "strongest expressions" were "on the joyous side"? I don't know about you but often my strongest expressions are on the angry side. I often find myself furious with how someone is being treated, raging at others' ignorance or outraged by my daughter's kicking or yelling at me. "On the joyous side," though...that sounds delicious. And tricky, I think. It is way more socially acceptable to talk about how busy you are (everyone nodding solemnly with immediate personal validation ensuing) than to talk about your downtime. Sometimes when a mom mentions how busy she was, I nod and talk about how hard that can be without actually chiming in about my own busyness. I think claiming joy is similar. For me, it's easier to own being angry or lacking peace, even, than it is to claim joy.

Let's start together, though. Give yourself the chance to feel better by playing around with this process. You deserve to. To recap: it's a discovery of that joy, then doing and claiming it. Which part is the most challenging for you? Thanks for reading.

Itsy bitsy, teeny-weeny...scraps of power

Scraps of relatively inexpensive nylon held together with strings, elastic or knots aka a bathing suit. It's almost comical how they can affect our sense of self-confidence, aren't they? But for all the hype about bathing suits, they really are only fabric, not oracles of truth. As I continue to push myself out of my comfort zone (do something scary everyday!), I readdressed the power of a bathing suit recently. 

I put on the first of my four suitcased bathing suits on a few Fridays ago as we headed to the beach. I hadn't worn it all summer. As soon as I put it on, I remembered why. Not only did the tankini not fit well but, as usual when I wear clothes that are not fitted or have too much fabric, I felt like I weighed 500 pounds. Later in the day, I looked down and saw my right breast casually lingering outside the tankini top. I can't imagine that it had been that way for long. My daughter can't ignore an exposed breast and would have shouted "milkie, milkie!" loudly. I resolved to do better on Saturday.

The next day I chose my two piece which had hints of lime green, aqua and yellow in it and we headed back to the beach. It was another suit I hadn't worn all summer but one that I liked. It was cooler than Friday but throughout the morning I noticed how much more comfortable I felt in this suit than I had in the one yesterday. It was much better fitted; that was the main reason. I had my husband snap a few pictures:

I like the third one best; it's the one that I wasn't ready for.

As I reflected on these pictures and how I felt wearing that bikini, I realized that bathing suits should be like any other article of clothing. Somehow because there is less to a bathing suit and more of our body being shown, we elevate a bathing suit in status beyond it's deserved place as equal in rank to a coat, pants or a sweater. It's just an accessory, not an article that gives or takes away power. The only power a bathing suit should have is to support your beautiful body.

 My mother always liked the actress Frances McDormand and when I heard an excerpt from an interview with Ms. McDormand played last week on All Things Considered I thought again of bathing suits...and my mother. McDormand, age 59, said, "I need to represent publicly what I've chosen to represent privately: a woman who is proud and more powerful than I was when I was younger. I think that I carry that pride and power in my face and in my body." 

My mother wouldn't have been able to muster such a statement like this herself, although the many younger teachers and administrators that she mentored say that my mom was powerful. I agree but my mom didn't think of herself that way. That's a crucial difference. And while I'm 42, not 61 as my mom was when she died or 59 like McDormand, I want to take this on. As women get older, we can get way more powerful. But it doesn't come without work: imagining ourselves as powerful, then speaking up and taking power.

We get more powerful every time we wear a bathing suit that we don't look model perfect in. That's us taking power away from a culture that encourages women to hate their bodies. We get more powerful when we speak out against something racist, sexist, homophobic. That's us taking power away from zealots who espouse hate. We get more powerful when we claim "beautiful" instead of the more socially acceptable, "cute". That's us taking power away from the marketers who appoint themselves the ones to set standards of beauty.

Seeing yourself as powerful is the difference between allowing the bathing suit to define you or the other way around. And when you see yourself as powerful, confidence is your co-pilot in all the decisions you make. Who among us doesn't need that?

Need a little more power in your pocket? Join me starting October 20 for The Pandora Passport. We'll talk power, passions, values and getting you where you want to go.

10 Things You Can't Do

Alright, "can't" is subjective but it's Wednesday! I'm only thinking about your emotional good health. Cut me a little slack and read on...

  1. Wait until it's too late. You know what I mean. Only you know when that is. 
  2. Stop singing. Even if your baby isn't a baby anymore. There's something about singing. If you can talk, you can sing. Metallica, even.
  3. Postpone a love letter. Really. Just write one, send it, feel the love flow back to you and drink it in like a cold tonic on an August afternoon.
  4. Hesitate when the thought comes to you. I made my husband a promise early on; if I was thinking it, I'd say it...or text it, if I wasn't close. If the thought is there, it needs to be said.
  5. Say "I love you" too many times to your kids and partner. They need it. You need it. We need more love in the world. Just keep on giving this one out.
  6. Stop taking risks. We need the shining successes that come only after many risks have flopped already. So keep going, lady.
  7. Call your mother too much. Trust me, listen to Skoda, whatever, just don't wait on this one. 
  8. Start the negative self-talk. Once it starts, it's hard to stop. Turn that shit on its head instead. Imagine every possible iteration of that nasty as glory, beauty and praise instead.
  9. Start any sentence with "when I retire...". 'Nuff said.
  10. Worry about other people's opinions. One of the original wise men* said, "Be Who You Are and say What You Feel. Those Who Mind, Don't Matter. Those Who Matter Don't Mind." It's quality, not quantity. 

Thank you, as always, for reading. I appreciate you being here. Question: what would you add to this list?

*Dr. Seuss, who else?