"On the joyous side"

My husband and I went to our first parent/teacher conference yesterday. Feeling most comfortable with a pen and paper (if no laptop is available), I took copious notes, as if I would have been able to call my mother afterwards. Instead of that option, however, these notes seem to be destined for me. But as I looked at the notes this morning, I noticed this line, "her strongest expressions are on the joyous side,". Underlined and starred. These are the words of one of her two teachers: "on the joyous side".

What would your life look like if your "strongest expressions" were "on the joyous side"? I don't know about you but often my strongest expressions are on the angry side. I often find myself furious with how someone is being treated, raging at others' ignorance or outraged by my daughter's kicking or yelling at me. "On the joyous side," though...that sounds delicious. And tricky, I think. It is way more socially acceptable to talk about how busy you are (everyone nodding solemnly with immediate personal validation ensuing) than to talk about your downtime. Sometimes when a mom mentions how busy she was, I nod and talk about how hard that can be without actually chiming in about my own busyness. I think claiming joy is similar. For me, it's easier to own being angry or lacking peace, even, than it is to claim joy.

Let's start together, though. Give yourself the chance to feel better by playing around with this process. You deserve to. To recap: it's a discovery of that joy, then doing and claiming it. Which part is the most challenging for you? Thanks for reading.

Silence is a racket

I saw a drawing on Glennon Doyle's Instagram last week about ignoring offensive things on the internet. Many followers liked it but there were a few comments, mine included, which challenged the idea. Much as I appreciate Glennon's work, I can't get behind encouraging women to silence themselves more than they already do.

You don't want to make waves. I get it. It's hard for me too, to challenge something I see or hear, even if it is online or anonymous. But when you ignore the personal attack against you on Twitter, the rude remark on your Instagram photo, or someone's ignorant statement on Facebook, your silence costs you. Silencing yourself is a racket, an expensive one, because it costs you more long-term than any gain in the moment. It costs you 1) emotional energy and 2) precious time because while you can choose a behavior, you can't choose a feeling. And if you choose to stuff your initial feeling, you're forcing your mind and body to backtrack from its gut response. That's a lot of work i.e. energy and time.

My take on the post I saw.

There are costs if you silence yourself but there's opportunity when you don't: speaking up for what's right. So often that boils down to your own humanity (or someone else's), the right to be treated with kindness and respect. It's not "being the bigger person" to ignore something offensive/ignorant and it's not about eliminating people from your life who disagree with you. It's about eliminating a damaging attitude of hate and snark that don't represent the kind of person you are, want to be or want in your world. Disagreement is healthy. Conflict is inevitable. Hate, snark, rudeness, ignorance is abuse. And you don't deserve that.

And of course there will be women because of who they are (they are a woman of color or identify as queer or an abuse survivor or are larger than the "perfect" size, etc.) and just by being themselves "out" in the world that it may not feel safe to speak up as often as they'd like. That's okay too. Being able to speak up and out is a privilege and sadly, some of us have this "right" more than others do.

If it feels safe enough: don't accommodate hate. That's what you're doing when you ignore someone else's meanness or cruelty. Unfriend, block, report. No one I know has extra time or emotional energy to throw around. You're juggling multiple commitments (perhaps even multiple children), managing a household and you don't have as much space in your day for your own needs...whatever it is they are. Maybe you even feel stuck. You have even less energy and time then. Make a decision today in favor of you and your well-being to speak out against offensive, instead of making room in your life for inappropriate.

Thanks for reading.

Speaking Your Truth

I've been doing a lot of noticing recently. Just stopping where I am and listening to what's being said or not being said. There's something that I'm not hearing: women speaking their truths. 

When's the last time you called someone out on their shit? Any shit? An ignorant comment on Facebook, the way that they qualify a statement that they make, language that is sexist or racist, or the horrible, "it's all okay" / "it's all good." / "I'm fine." statements that you hear after the litany of what is not going well. Most of the time you don't say anything. Or if you do, you murmur consolingly in a low voice. Maybe even offer a hug. But you don't want to make waves or challenge someone, especially a friend, right? So you remain silent, allowing your truth to linger unsaid.

But there's a big problem with that:

Staying silent or not speaking your truth doesn't allow you to grow.

When you speak your truth, you prioritize being in integrity with yourself. That presents as kinder self-talk, more confident decisions and less fear…among other things. You grow as a person when you speak your truth because you are actively engaging in the world, instead of watching it go by unchallenged because you aren't willing to share your wisdom with the ones you know need it.

I've trained hundreds of crisis line volunteers during my time. One thing that I've often told them is this: there's a lot you can say to someone -more than you would ever imagine- if you speak from a place of love. A place of love. Your truth won't harm if you speak from that place of love, deep in your heart. It may surprise or startle someone but they won't be irrevocably harmed by your truth when speaking out of love.

Staying quiet keeps you small, manageable, predictable and stagnant. Not bold, brave, passionate, remarkable or unique. Not someone who prizes learning in theory but not in practice.  Which group would you rather be in? Which group are you in?

Speak your truth often. Say it from a place of love. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat daily.

Itsy bitsy, teeny-weeny...scraps of power

Scraps of relatively inexpensive nylon held together with strings, elastic or knots aka a bathing suit. It's almost comical how they can affect our sense of self-confidence, aren't they? But for all the hype about bathing suits, they really are only fabric, not oracles of truth. As I continue to push myself out of my comfort zone (do something scary everyday!), I readdressed the power of a bathing suit recently. 

I put on the first of my four suitcased bathing suits on a few Fridays ago as we headed to the beach. I hadn't worn it all summer. As soon as I put it on, I remembered why. Not only did the tankini not fit well but, as usual when I wear clothes that are not fitted or have too much fabric, I felt like I weighed 500 pounds. Later in the day, I looked down and saw my right breast casually lingering outside the tankini top. I can't imagine that it had been that way for long. My daughter can't ignore an exposed breast and would have shouted "milkie, milkie!" loudly. I resolved to do better on Saturday.

The next day I chose my two piece which had hints of lime green, aqua and yellow in it and we headed back to the beach. It was another suit I hadn't worn all summer but one that I liked. It was cooler than Friday but throughout the morning I noticed how much more comfortable I felt in this suit than I had in the one yesterday. It was much better fitted; that was the main reason. I had my husband snap a few pictures:

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I like the third one best; it's the one that I wasn't ready for.

As I reflected on these pictures and how I felt wearing that bikini, I realized that bathing suits should be like any other article of clothing. Somehow because there is less to a bathing suit and more of our body being shown, we elevate a bathing suit in status beyond it's deserved place as equal in rank to a coat, pants or a sweater. It's just an accessory, not an article that gives or takes away power. The only power a bathing suit should have is to support your beautiful body.

 My mother always liked the actress Frances McDormand and when I heard an excerpt from an interview with Ms. McDormand played last week on All Things Considered I thought again of bathing suits...and my mother. McDormand, age 59, said, "I need to represent publicly what I've chosen to represent privately: a woman who is proud and more powerful than I was when I was younger. I think that I carry that pride and power in my face and in my body." 

My mother wouldn't have been able to muster such a statement like this herself, although the many younger teachers and administrators that she mentored say that my mom was powerful. I agree but my mom didn't think of herself that way. That's a crucial difference. And while I'm 42, not 61 as my mom was when she died or 59 like McDormand, I want to take this on. As women get older, we can get way more powerful. But it doesn't come without work: imagining ourselves as powerful, then speaking up and taking power.

We get more powerful every time we wear a bathing suit that we don't look model perfect in. That's us taking power away from a culture that encourages women to hate their bodies. We get more powerful when we speak out against something racist, sexist, homophobic. That's us taking power away from zealots who espouse hate. We get more powerful when we claim "beautiful" instead of the more socially acceptable, "cute". That's us taking power away from the marketers who appoint themselves the ones to set standards of beauty.

Seeing yourself as powerful is the difference between allowing the bathing suit to define you or the other way around. And when you see yourself as powerful, confidence is your co-pilot in all the decisions you make. Who among us doesn't need that?

Need a little more power in your pocket? Join me starting October 20 for The Pandora Passport. We'll talk power, passions, values and getting you where you want to go.