Concentrating On What Truly Matters

Like listening to your gut instinct, being able to fully concentrate on what truly matters can be hard. You're a busy woman; multi-tasking or squeezing in time to tackle something when it appears you may have a down moment is likely a norm...whether or not you have kids. But that doesn't always work well, does it? Whatever you do get done isn't usually your best and mistakes happen. In addition, you often aren't fully able to concentrate on what truly matters, whether it is the work in front of you, driving a car, watching your child or being with your partner. Let's talk about concentrating on what truly matters so you feel more present, less anxious and maybe even a little safer.

In this not so distant past (this morning), my phone was on the passenger seat of my car. Where I needed it, right? At stop lights, I'd text and jot ideas/tasks/reminders in my Evernote app. Sometimes with my headset, I'd talk to my sisters or dad on the phone in the car. But none of this is good. Because I'm not fully concentrating on what truly matters...in my case, driving a 3000 pound car safely.

In a recent blog post on digital hygiene, Seth Godin recommends putting your phone in the glove box when driving. I was with Seth on the post, up until this point. Just reading it made me anxious. What if I needed it? What if my phone melted because I forgot it? Like you, I am attached to my phone. It's never far out of sight, or likely out of hand. But as usual, Seth was right. Not only do we need distance from our technology so we can be more productive when we are at work but more generally, we need to be better at concentrating on what truly matters.

I give you permission to put your phone in the glovebox. I give you permission to not be available 24/7 to everyone and anyone.

When you put your phone in the glovebox (literally or metaphorically), you're making a conscious decision to improve your concentration on what truly matters. You're deciding in favor of your mental health and perhaps physical health too. "This is an area of anxiety that I can control," you declare when you put that phone in the glovebox. You're confirming your commitment to do good work well, not average work when you can.

Concentrating on what truly matters isn't easy but it isn't rocket science either. It's a simple formula: remembering (your awareness of the distraction) + doing (putting the distraction, like a phone, away) = better concentration on what truly matters. Along the way, you'll also notice less anxiety, increased productivity and greater safety.

Is your phone the distraction you need to put in the glovebox? Or is it something else? Leave me a comment below. And if you like this post, click the heart below. Thanks for reading.

PS. We talk about distractions, busyness vs. productivity and all about making time for what truly matters in my group coaching program, Uncommon Confidence, which starts August 20. Join me and a small group of other women as we journey to feel and act more confidently in ways that matter everyday.

Do Unto Others

I know you do. You head back to the store to pay for the toy that your child walked out with. You see the barista at Starbucks and interact with her like she's a person you know. You pay your bills on time. The problem isn't you, my friend. It's everyone else.

And herein lies the shitty truth that you need to tell people (a client of mine said "train people," once...which I also liked) how you MUST be treated. This is one of the basic principles of good boundaries. You tell them what's okay i.e. you set a boundary and then when it's overstepped, you don't engage. Repeat: you don't engage. Stop the work. Stop the presses. Stop the talking. Just pull the emergency lever like it's on a runaway train that you need to get the hell off of.

It's that simple. That doesn't mean it's easy but it is that simple.

Don't make this more complicated than it is.

Here's another truth: no one will think less of you when you tell someone how you need to be treated, usually, we'll think MORE of you. Because you're taking a stand for yourself. That shows self-respect. Self-respect is that perfume we wear that everyone wants to know the name of. It's irresistible.

Stop being the doormat who tries to accommodate everyone. Impossible. And you will always fail. Instead, strive for being the woman who accommodates in order of importance...to her! Let anything else fall away. It's not for you. Don't wear it or carry it. 

Do unto others should work both ways. But it doesn't. Take good care of YOU, my friend.

These lines are not for crossin': setting good boundaries

It can be awkward to make a change for the good. Like right now. I've hoisted one of my office cubes on top of my desk to create a "standing desk"...because apparently we are more productive when we move. Moving includes standing. But, I'm willing to dabble in the awkward for a bit and give it a try. Let's avoid physically awkward for now, though, and consider another kind of change for the good that doesn't require any heavy lifting: setting good boundaries.

After talking with clients recently about setting good boundaries, I realized each woman I talked to needed greater clarity on a good boundary looked like.

Boundaries are clear, concise statement that you give about how you need to be treated. They are non-negotiable, consistent and always stated firmly. They are not offered out as an inquiry or a "feeling out" of the other person. They sound strong because they are strong.

Your life, your game, you set the boundaries

But why bother? Is this a lot of hoo-ha or personal growth “stuff”? Not in the least. Boundaries are essential tools in order for us to feel confident. Boundaries help us weed out the people in our life that we need to do without (see below) but they also help the people we want in our life to be even more helpful to us. 

Did you get that last part? It’s important.

Boundaries weed out the people who suck the life out of you but help the people who recharge you, your “right people”, to do even more awesome for you. In short, boundaries are rock solid confidence-building tools that you need in your quiver yesterday.

Here are a couple of boundaries my clients set recently. Let me know if any of them sound familiar:

• A dedicated and hard-working employee, Jackie continually volunteered for extra work. Jackie and I discussed this bad habit and the importance of setting good boundaries, especially at work. Although a little wary, Jackie stopped raising her hand at work and instead decided to be aware of what happened when she didn't take on additional projects. She didn’t notice a backlash of people doubting her commitment or skills but what she did notice is her voice being taken more seriously. And a few weeks later at her annual review when Jackie told her supervisor that she would be leaving at 4:30 every day instead of 5:00 and would no longer be checking email on weekends, Jackie’s boss didn’t blink an eye. Getting the green light she wanted raised her confidence to the level she deserved.

• Susie was tired of being the partner to make dinner nightly. She was a full-time mom who didn’t work outside the home but felt she still deserved a night off each week. (Of course she does!) After her first few weeks of work with me, we talked about giving up dinner responsibility for two week nights. The following day, Susie told her partner that she would no longer be responsible for dinner on Friday and Saturday. He agreed and volunteered to make dinner on Saturdays and Fridays became take-out pizza night.

• Fatima has always taken care of everyone in her family, in addition to working a high-powered job. When Fatima’s sister-in-law asked for help with the divorce papers, Fatima didn’t blink an eye and stepped in. After she and I talked, Fatima realized that she was endangering all her hard work putting her needs first by helping someone else with a situation that she didn’t own or have any stake in. After she and I talked, Fatima called her cousin and asked him to help with the paperwork. He agreed and she handed it over.

What about you? Chances are there’s a boundary you need to set right now. My guess is you're waffling. Go ahead and try it: ask yourself -—>”What boundary do I need to set right now and with whom?”. In addition to all the confidence boosting work we talked about above simply voicing a desire allows you to believe you're worthy of wanting and deserving better. So what are you waiting for?

Share your boundary-setting story and what happened. Leave a comment below.

Time and Space

One of my all-time favorite books, World Enough and Time by Christian McEwan is one that I have yet to finish. McEwan eloquently, peacefully even, makes the case that most of us are moving too fast on a regular basis. Of course I agree. And I'd take it a step further to say that if we want to feel more confident in our everyday lives, we must make time for quiet time away.

When we don't allow ourselves the occasional quiet space that we need as a way to recover from this super-fast world, we make decisions based on fear or scarcity thinking instead of abundance and/or gut instinct. It just make sense, right? If we don't have time to process, we don't decide well. When we don't make good decisions, the affects of those poor decisions are most likely to come back and haunt us. That niggling worry causes us to second-guess ourselves next time around and sometimes also to waffle about the next decision. All of that damages our confidence levels.

Think, too, about how you can do "hard" work, whether that's on ourselves or our businesses, if we don't take time away for reflection? We cannot. Just as it is impossible to continue to add more projects, people or commitments into your life without taking some of our existing ones away, it is impossible to be productive, in any capacity, without time and space to do so. This lack of time to do work on ourselves also negatively impact self-confidence.

But as busy women, how do we make that time and space happen? One of the ways that we carve out quiet for ourselves is to start small.

Getting up 20 minutes earlier than you usually do or than your child, partner does. Planning a weekly bath night so you can soak alone in the dark or by candlelight. Hiring a helper for 2 hours per day, even once a week. Coordinating childcare with your partner so you can take a walk alone. Buying one of those cool adult coloring books and some pencils to do some reflective coloring before bed, instead of looking at Instagram. Turning off NPR in the car in order to encourage quiet reflection.

These are all small tasks, most of which are free. All of them will help you carve out space and time for quiet reflection. So, what about you? What would your time and space for reflection look like? Leave a comment below or share it on my Facebook page.