Behind The Scenes: Is it okay for me to say "no" to family who want to hug and kiss my kid?

Twitter DM from an anonymous follower:

"Hi! I read your _Kids and Safety_ post* and it made me think about family members who try to hug and kiss kids. Is it ever okay to say "no" to them?"

Great question! You are NOT wrong for wanting to enforce a "no" you set...with anyone.

It's really important to make a big deal about listening to a "no". When we teach kids that "no" is an acceptable response, we are teaching them to listen to their bodies, gut and heart. That's a crucial life skill. "No" is also a boundary, right? Setting and maintaining good boundaries with people, especially family, is another life skill. These life skills are ones that perpetrators and abusers look for in kids and adults. When they are missing, kids and adults alike are more likely to be exploited and hurt.

Putting kids on the receiving end of an adult's desired way of showing affection deprives a child of their ability (and right) to listen to and learn from their own body. That's across the board: from listening to their body when they need to pee in the middle of the night to listening to their body when it's hungry and listening to their body when they feel nervous about someone. Remember, sexual predators are usually folks kids know. So it's especially important to help kids listen to their bodies, especially around familiar people.

Before you start, it may be helpful to practice. Saying something out loud always makes us more confident, especially when it comes to setting boundaries. You might say, "Actually we/I have decided to let the kids decide when and who they give hugs and kisses. Thanks for helping us allow them to make those choices." You never need to explain a boundary. But if you want, you could say, "we want little Bridgett to learn to listen to own body instead of what other people tell her she should do with your body."

Last thing! Boundaries only work when they are clear, consistent and you stick to them. Repetition is your friend.

Thanks for being a good mom.

PS.* That post is here.

How to be a good parent

TW: sexual abuse

My daughter, Elisabeth, fell off a footstool a few weeks ago. She screamed immediately and was sobbing within seconds. I raced to her. I told her that I was right there and "the worst is over," as my husband tried to look at her bloody mouth. My heart was aching.  I wanted to protect and reassure but I couldn't fix what had happened.

It's hard to be a good parent.

We're up against so much: our educational level, own history of trauma and perhaps mental health issues. Maybe also poverty or accessibility issues. And always privilege and work/life balance. But one of the best, simplest things we can do is believe our child. We can do this regardless of how much money we make or whatever other circumstances are influencing us. Believing someone is always a choice. For parents, believing kids is a sure bet, good parent move.

In the hit ABC show "How to Get Away with Murder" Viola Davis plays Annalise Keating, an attorney and law school professor. Early in the show, Keating confronts her mother (Cicely Tyson) about not protecting her from the uncle that molested her. Tyson tells her, "it happened to all the women, that’s our curse. It happened to my mother. It happened to her mother.’ Keating never felt believed. That feeling affected Keating likely influencing her choices, for the rest of her life.

Ironically, in a later scene, Keating's mother tells Keating what she did do to protect her. But Keating never knew. (Note: this a really powerful scene but it may be triggering for child survivors of sexual abuse.) Sometimes what happens is not okay (if it''s not okay to them, it can't be okay to us) nor can we always fix it. But parents can believe kids. When we believe them and they feel it, kids know that we are on their side. That feeling of solidarity builds trust. When our kids trust us, they come to us when they are stuck or hurt.

Elisabeth's lip is healing. She will be okay. But if Elisabeth isn't, she'll tell me because she knows I will believe her. Together we can get her the help she needs.