Behind The Scenes: Is it okay for me to say "no" to family who want to hug and kiss my kid?

Twitter DM from an anonymous follower:

"Hi! I read your _Kids and Safety_ post* and it made me think about family members who try to hug and kiss kids. Is it ever okay to say "no" to them?"

Great question! You are NOT wrong for wanting to enforce a "no" you set...with anyone.

It's really important to make a big deal about listening to a "no". When we teach kids that "no" is an acceptable response, we are teaching them to listen to their bodies, gut and heart. That's a crucial life skill. "No" is also a boundary, right? Setting and maintaining good boundaries with people, especially family, is another life skill. These life skills are ones that perpetrators and abusers look for in kids and adults. When they are missing, kids and adults alike are more likely to be exploited and hurt.

Putting kids on the receiving end of an adult's desired way of showing affection deprives a child of their ability (and right) to listen to and learn from their own body. That's across the board: from listening to their body when they need to pee in the middle of the night to listening to their body when it's hungry and listening to their body when they feel nervous about someone. Remember, sexual predators are usually folks kids know. So it's especially important to help kids listen to their bodies, especially around familiar people.

Before you start, it may be helpful to practice. Saying something out loud always makes us more confident, especially when it comes to setting boundaries. You might say, "Actually we/I have decided to let the kids decide when and who they give hugs and kisses. Thanks for helping us allow them to make those choices." You never need to explain a boundary. But if you want, you could say, "we want little Bridgett to learn to listen to own body instead of what other people tell her she should do with your body."

Last thing! Boundaries only work when they are clear, consistent and you stick to them. Repetition is your friend.

Thanks for being a good mom.

PS.* That post is here.

Stop, drop and roll (on)

Your partner isn't smarter than you. S/he isn't more organized. But s/he is likely keeping track of way less than you are. Should you change that? Maybe, but perhaps not in the way you're imagining.

When I wondered why my husband never seemed to scrawl down a thought, text at a stop light or write down notes on his bedside table, I realized that he kept track of way less than I do. (Belated lightbulb moment, yes!) Like many women, I handle the bulk of the running of our house which includes childcare and school. I bet this isn't so different for you too. I'm also the one who volunteers, RSVPs to events, gets up early and handles all medical appointments. My husband keeps track of little outside of his own work. The more thoughts/commitments I have to keep track of, the less attention I have and the more I revert to texting while at stop lights.  

This is why you must drop what doesn't work for you. Be relentless about this. Don't drop it 1/2 way and "just" do the marketing (as I was recently asked). That's not dropping anything. It's hard to drop anything. You're good at a lot and other people know it. But you know that when you spread myself too thin, you don't do anyone any good. Least of all yourself if you're still texting at stop lights or shopping at the last minute for a birthday gift. 

Here's another reason to drop stuff: the less clutter you have, the better decisions you'll make. Excess clutter of all types diminishes your ability to say “no” for two reasons:

1.  You can't hear gut instinct. Using gut instinct is one way to get to "no" if you're stuck but you can't summon gut instinct. It's either there or it's not. And it's not there if your world is too loud, crowded or full of multi-tasking. It's also not present if you're sleepy.
2. Clutter = stuff = low energy. I have a huge pile of clothes in a closet. It contains clothes from all seasons and I'm unsure what to do with it. So it sits looking at reproachfully at me, drawing my precious energy into an abyss that I can't get back. 

We can only change what we have control over. And that includes the stuff you handle. You're beautiful as you are. Don't change a thing if it's all working for you! But do give yourself greater sanity, control and peace of mind by dropping what's not working for you and is costing you any of those three things. 

What will you drop? Leave me a note below.

Boosting your confidence with gut instinct

I've been studying confidence for years, specifically what confidence looks and sounds like in women. No matter what work I've been doing, time and again I see a lack of confidence as one of the biggest issues that hold women back. Not only clients but co-workers, friends, bosses, etc. Today most of the work that I do in my workshops and with individual clients centers on finding simple, practical solutions to everyday problems. A lack of confidence is no different. So today I want to focus on one easy, painless way to get more confident: using your gut instinct.

Kids listen more easily than we do.

But what is gut instinct exactly? 13th century Persian poet Rumi said, "There's a voice that doesn't use words. Listen". That voice is gut instinct. Some people say "intuition" or "gut feelings"; it's all the same. Gut instinct is the voiceless voice that lives inside your soul. It often comes to us unexpectedly. It's not something that you can tease out. You don't wait for gut instinct to show up; the judgment or assessment that is behind the feeling is either there or it isn't. Gut instinct is reliable but we're not always paying attention.

But we should! Here are three ways using gut instinct can boost confidence:

1. It helps you know when to push back, let go or get the heck out. Gut instinct is the magic that warns you, "danger, danger" when you're in an unfamiliar place and something is off. My clients who use gut instinct are better able to correctly assess situations, opportunities, potential relationships as they arise.

2. It builds trust in yourself. Trusting yourself more means less second-guessing, back-pedaling and waffling. Gut instinct is what propelled me to get on a plane to see my mom one last time. If I hadn't listened to gut instinct (and both of my sisters' gut instincts), I might not have gone. And if I hadn't, I would have regretted that decision for the rest of my life.

3. It helps you be the best version of yourself you can be. If you're like most women I talk to, you'd love to bring more "you" into your daily life. Well, when you listen to yourself by paying attention to gut instinct, you become more confident with being that first rate version of yourself. 

There's a lot of power in using gut instinct as a way to be more confident in the small and large moments of your days. Test it out, let me know how it goes.